Sunday, December 29, 2013

Nitin Gadkari is sitting on an Explosive Treasure Trove of Evidence against Aam Aadmi Party

Nagpur, December 29, 2013

Clearly rattled by the never ending demand for presenting `concrete evidence’ to support his allegation    regarding a tripartite meeting between Aam Aadmi Party; Congress & a big industrialist, BJP’s literally     heavyweight leader Nitin Gadkari has announced a cash reward of Rs. Two Crores plus lifelong directorship in one of his several benami companies to anyone who has in his possession the evidence supporting his  allegation made after he had mistakenly drank a bottle of desi tharra made from molasses at one of his many sugar mills.

Soon after the announcement was made, a bearded man named Rudan Krandan Jha, curiously claiming to be from the Media as well as Sarkar, contacted Mr. Gadkari’s office to discuss the contours of the deal. Their discussions happened at the banks of a dry & incomplete irrigation canal dug by Mr. Gadkari’s friend Mr. Dhan-Leti.       

Within hours of their meeting, Mr. Jha presented Mr. Gadkari with a CD containing raw CCTV footage from the hotel where this meeting allegedly took place. This reporter is one of the few who got to watch the CCTV recordings with Mr. Gadkari & his associates. By the way, as expected the recordings are of 5 star quality, fully HD video & crystal clear audio. This is what can be seen in the CD-

Clip No. 1: A man resembling Arvind Kejriwal, wearing untucked half sleeve check-shirt reaches the `IN-GATE’ driveway of the hotel. There is a security barricade for checking of cars manned by about half a dozen security guys. Upon seeing Kejriwal walking towards the barriers, one of the guards stops & curtly tells him that this gate was meant only for guests and not for job seekers. The guard then guides him to the rear of the hotel and asks him if he has been called for an interview. Mr. Kejriwal is then seen exiting the camera’s range.

Clip No. 2:  Captured by another camera facing the main road near the hotel’s OUT gate, Kejriwal is   recognised by one the guards from the slum in his New Delhi constituency. He promptly guides Kejriwal to the rear of the hotel politely warning him that if he continued to stand on the road sloping down from the hotel entrance, he was most likely to get run over by an Aston Martin, BMW or Audi. 

Clip No. 3: Kejriwal reaches the `Staff Only’ gate with a broom in his hand. The guard asks him for his ID Card. Kejriwal tells him that he does not have one. Suddenly a man in hotel housekeeping uniform (Housekeeping Supervisor) comes from inside the hotel and seeing Kejriwal with the broom asks the guard to let him in - “Today we are short of staff as many of them have gone to attend some shit called Mohalla Sabha organised by this god-damn Aam Aadmi Party. Give him a temporary gate pass; I need people. One of India’s big businessmen is coming today for a breakfast meeting with a ruling Congress party guy.”

Kejriwal is heard asking the  supervisor if this BIG BUSINESSMAN was Mr. Cheatin Gadbadi from Nagpur. His query was royally ignored by the supervisor who gave him a dirty look uttering-“Here comes one more highly educated & unemployed middle aged candidate”. Hoping to enter the hotel dressed up as a janitor and then finally reaching the private conference room for his meeting with the Big Industrialist, Kejriwal   quickly follows the housekeeping supervisor, broom held high in his right hand.

Clip No. 4: Kejriwal is seen changing into hotel uniform. He quickly tucks-in his own clothes in the huge pockets of the uniform and walks out of the changing room with his broom.

Clip No. 5: Supervisor is seen telling Kejriwal to take charge of the kitchen and clean it up thoroughly.    Kejriwal enters the kitchen and his services are sought by all the chefs & their assistants to clean up the floor on which they keep dropping food pieces, oil etc. Kejriwal is seen in the kitchen for the next 4 hours till the bell rings announcing tea time for staff. He quickly rushes out of the kitchen.

Clip No. 6: Kejriwal is seen crossing a corridor and landing up at the service entrance of the restaurant. As he tries to sneak into the restaurant, he is intercepted by the guard who asks to see his pass. Kejriwal takes out his temporary gate pass and hands it over to the security chap. The guard looks at the gate pass and promptly blows a whistle. Three securitymen are seen arriving within minutes and whisking Kejriwal away.

Clip No. 7: The securitymen enter the housekeeping supervisor’s cubicle holding Kejriwal firmly by his arms. The   supervisor shouts at him and tears his pass angrily. He sacks Kejriwal on the spot! When Kejriwal asks for his wages for 4 hours of work, the guards lift him and exit the camera range.

Clip No. 8: Two security guards throw Kejriwal out on the service lane adjoining the hotel. An autorickshaw with AAP poster stops; autowallah comes out; lifts Kejriwal and puts him in the back seat; starts the Auto and exits frame.

After the last clip ended, Mr. Nitin Gadkari called Rudan Krandan Jha on his mobile and asks him to edit it creatively to which he promptly agreed.  

Last heard, Mr. Jha was on a flight to Singapore for carrying out post-production jobs like morphing & other special effects on the CD’s footage to make it look genuine.

Watch out this space for Mr. Gadkari’s next press conference for more details.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Begum Kalsoom Nawaz clarifies Pak PM's Dehati Aurat remark

Having accidentally tuned into Indian TV news channels, Begum Kalsoom was shocked to see heated discussions and debates on her hubby Nawaz calling Manmohan a Dehati Aurat (country woman), including Modi's speech in Delhi yesterday referring to this `insulting' expression reportedly used by her not so sharif husband.

Fearing an armed attack on Pakistan by patriotically pissed-off Indian journos and Modi's supporters, Begum Nawaz hurriedly called a press conference right across the Line of Actual Control to clear the air. She just couldn't digest the prospect of Arnab Goswami gheraoing Nawaz Mian in his American hotel lobby and giving one-track high decibel sermons in the name of an interview.The loudspeaker horns were aimed towards Indian army posts in the hope that the Indian soldiers would get to hear her explanation and the military intelligence might record & share it with the media. To nip the escalating tension across the border, she walked into the press conference wearing a burqa with a male goat in tow.

Here is the full text of her statment -

A lot is being made out of a so-called remark made by hamare sharif miyan about the Indian vazir-e-azam Manmohan. Sharif miyan has apparantely called Manmohan a Dehati Aurat and the entire Indian media is making a moutain of this mole hill ji.

Let me tell you, I am very upset with Sharif miyan for bestowing the Dehati Aurat title on a sardarji. I mean, is he turning gay....or was he already one? I say this indignantly because till now I was the one & only Dehati Aurat in his life. Yes, you heard it right! During our private moments which are not many, he calls me a Dehati Aurat. He specially makes me act like one and this goat is brought into the bedroom to add authenticty to the dehati setting. His eyes are tightly covered with a black cloth though. I had once questioned him about why does he call me a dehati aurat when he's in the `mood' and he gently explained me why.

He told me – Janoo, don't be offended when I call you a Dehati. You know, Dehati Aurats are always physically fit as they breathe clean air and eat fresh from the farm foods. And they work. Leave aside working in farms or cleaning up the house or being productive in the real sense of the term, city women can't even carry their own child during pregnancy. They go hunting for surrogate mothers who in turn are from villages, you see! Also, Unlike city women, Dehati Aurats do not spend half their life in beauty parlours, botox labs and in cosmetic surgery ICUs. What you see is what you get! No cheating, no dokha!!

Being forced to stay in Islamabad ever since he became Vazir-e-Azam, Nawaz Miyan has been missing the countryside. With Talibani mullahs on the prowl in each & every village, he dare not visit any of them for the fear of being bumped off by these ISI & Pakistani Army agents. Couped up in his prime ministerial bungalow, he has of late been showing signs of desperation of meeting village women. And he seems to have carried his infatuation for everything Dehati even to the U.S.!

You see, what is Pakistan if not a dehat? And extending that logic all Pakistanis are dehatis. Cities are not just about glitzy buildings, roads, fast moving cars & flyovers. They are as much about culture, people and their mindsets. And there I do not fnd any difference between rural & urban; educated & uneducated; sophisticated and crude guys & gals. And for that matter, how is India not a village. They too have their own versions of Taliban in Khap Panchayats & religious bigots. Rural or urban, educated or illiterate, most Indians anyway behave like Jahils, just like us on this side of the Line of Control.

Our Taliban shoots girls going to school. There they are raped while going to or coming from school or college!

We have our Mr. 10 percent leading a political party. They have so many of them demanding more than 10 percent! And like us, Indian people too pay whatever bribe is asked for, without a whimper.

We treat Cricket as our opium & so do Indians! Our cricketers take bribes for fixing matches, so do theirs!

Both, Pakistan & India crave for the patronage of Amrikka. So we have a common big brother.

And every time we are faced with domestic troubles, we divert attention to the Indian border. So do Indians!

I hope you all are now quite clear that we, the people of both the countries have so much in common. Being teth dehatis is one of them.

I appeal to all the Indians not to misunderstand my hubby's comments which were made with the best of intentions and as an expression of solidarity about our shared cultural baggage....oops, heritage!”

A Pakistani TV scribe stood up and interrupted her – How can you be so sure that the dehati aurat comment was aimed at Hindustani Vazir-e-Azam who is a man by the way.

Mrs. Sharif – Hai mean to say that it could have been directed at the only female Hindustani kafir journalist...

Her face turned tomato red within moments and she jumped off the stage & rushed out uttering – “Taher kambakht Dehati...mainu isi wakt Amrika aati aur tujhe maja chakhati”.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Saturday, September 28, 2013


By & large, the entire nation hailed Supreme Court judgement upholding citizen's right to reject all the candidates in a poll and its order to the Election Commission to introduce a special button for those wanting to exercise their Right to Reject. Sensing the public mood, most political parties and their netas have welcomed this judgement to harvest public goodwill by appearing to be `politically correct' even though deep down inside their hearts (I know they have one b'coz of the chest pain syndrome everytime a politician faces the prospect of staying in jail) & souls (not sure if they have one), most netas abhor this judgement. 

I happened to eavesdrop into a sinister All Party conversation among a handful of politicians and their cronies. I must tell you that there was no one from the Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) in this get together.

The place was a pub called PUB Lic-ki-Lee. And this is what transpired at the pub-

Congress-ee (to BJP Wala): So, you guys were damn clever. First you wanted the bill to nullify Supreme Courts order banning convicted politicians from contesting or holding seats and suddenly your party does an about turn to appear holier than thou.

RJD Cattle Herder: Bade chaalu ho tum log Bhau!

BJP Bajrangi (Smiling coyly): Aaapke Lalu ji kis se kam hain Tau! Let bygones be bygones man. We have gathered here to deal with this second supreme court bombshell about the extra button.

SP's Pehalwan: How I wish the supreme court had ordered caste & religion based buttons instead. People would then have had to press the button of the community they belonged to and their votes would have automatically gone to the candidate of their caste ot community.

BSP Behenji (objecting): As always, you can't help remiaining a dim wit! What if there are be more than one candidate from the same caste or community!!

RLD's Jatta: Arrey, in that case the votes would be proportionatley divided among all the same caste candidates. Bhai, making candidates stand is in our hands after all. We'd just need to make sure that we don't field same caste guys for the same seat.

As they kept ordering drinks after drinks, their voices kept on becoming louder but incoherent.

Congress-ee: What does Arun Ketlee say?

BJP Bajrangi: Same thing what your Cupill Sibbal said. Since the option is NONE OF THE ABOVE – let us place this button on top of all the other buttons.

RJD: Bhat an idea sir jee. You pee-pul are lucky to have so many chaalu vakilva-sab in your party. This way, ebhen if the voters press the `reject' button, we can always argue in court that since the button said NONE OF THE ABOVE & there was no candiddate listed above that button, hence the rejection has to be rejected.

SP: This way the snake gets killed while the baton remains alive!

TDP's Faidu: I have another idea. How about bribing the vendor who supplies components to the EVM factory. I have had a word with the guy who supplies EVM buttons to the elction commission. On being promised of a ticket in the state assembly elections, he is willing to make this button fragile with poor quality plastic and other third rate raw materials. It won't last more than two dozen pressings.

BSP Behenji: How will that help?

Trinamool Didi: I get it. Fed up with the candidate choices, a lot of bhoters are expected to turn up for bhoting now. Ebhen doj who nebher bhoted till now weel come to bhote. Bhith so many peepool presshing the shame button, it is going to break or stop vaarking after a phew times. Then peepool weel habh no chois baat to bhote for our candidates. Baba re baba- what a bhalo idea!!

TDP's Faidu – Didi, I wlays knew you are a clever girl. Good that you are so far away from Andhra Pradesh...err...or should I say Telangana???

RJD Cattle Herder: Arey Faidu saheb. Keep all this Gaana-Bajaana for later. I am pheeling bhery disturbed – Monday is the judgment day na! Be-chara Lalua. Ee Rahulva ne jo press konference mein ant-shant bol ke sara kaame kharab kar diya na! Warna ordinans-wa pass hoiye na jaata!!!

Arey waiter-wa...marde jaldi se ek tho aur badka gilas bhar ke lava na...sabbe ke khatir.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

An encounter with Ram Jethmaligni, the man behind the malign-ant "Man Disease"

A number of rape & molestation cases have been reported from across the country between yesterday & today. In almost all the cases, the victims were reported to be alone with their tormentors in a room. All the accused arrested in these cases have claimed innocence citing that the women complaining of rape & molestation were actually suffering from a mental disease that makes women yearn for solo male company inside a room. All the accused & their lawyers have spiritedly cited this `disease’ whose details were disclosed for the first time by none other than Ram Jethmaligni, India’s noted criminal lawyer and a presidential wannabe.  

In one instance, a terminally ill patient tried to rape a nurse attending to him in a five star hospital. Upon being questioned by the police inside the ICU, he told the investigators that the reason the nurse came to his room while he was alone there is because she is suffering from the `Man Disease’ referred to by Mr. Jethmaligni. He even threatened the nurse that he has all the money in the world to hire Ram Jethmaligni should she decide to press charges against him. Fearing character assassination & the related media debates on Jethmaligni's vilification drive against rape victims, the nurse has reportedly decided not to press charges.     

I just happened to run into a charged up Ram Jethmaligni yesterday evening exiting his office and chasing him were the Times Now crew members trying to pacify him. I later learnt that he was irked upon being questioned, hounded & pounded over his alleged character assassination and attempts to malign the girl whose complain has seen the crooked saint called Asaram Bapu behind bars.   

Anyway, I followed him to his home and asked for a non-aggressive interview to which he immediately agreed. Here is what transpired in the interview –

Me: Well Sir, why did you decide to leave the Times Now interview midway? The channel is claiming that it was Arnab’s tough questioning that you couldn’t handle!

RJ:  Go & tell that loudmouth buffoon that I quit the interview midway not because of his tough questioning but because I was craving for wine. The entire country sees me sipping wine every time I get interviewed on TV in the evening. And despite knowing this, that silly news channel didn’t care to send wine & glass from its side. And you know, I lose my mental balance if I’m not administered wine from time to time.

Me:  Hmm….that perhaps explains why you chose to malign the poor girl assaulted by Asaram instead of fighting for justice for her. One isn’t allowed to carry their wine glasses into the court. And this must have upset you like anything!

RJ:  Dammit! Even if the judge had made an exception for me and allowed me to sip wine while arguing Asaram’s case, that bloody Jodhpur is such a hot place and with no AC inside the courtroom, the wine wouldn’t have tasted fine, you see.  

Hey, how about me telling the judge the next time that my client Asaram is innocent and the fault lies with Rajasthan’s hawa-pani. What else explains so many Rajasthani rape cases that have hogged the limelight…rape of a rural social worker or saathin, then the one involving Orissa DGP’s son Bitti Mohanty and the current hot favourite Babu Lal Nagar, a minister in Rajasthan Govt. Then there is this Mahipal Maderna, another minister accused of murdering a woman whom he sexually exploited. So the problem is with Rajasthan & its climate, you see. With so much circumstantial evidence, I’m sure Asaram shall not only be granted bail but may even be pronounced not-guilty!! 
 I think this is the ultimate winner argument!!!

Me: Some people are playing around with your name and calling you Ram Jeth-maligni after you chose to malign the victim of Asaram’s hyper-sexuality.  

RJ:  Dammit!I give two hoots for any & all the people. They have no business deciding who I should do business with. How the hell do you think I earn my wine & cheese? What would I have got had I decided to represent the girl instead of Asaram!! Not even one sip of wine or one cube of cheese!!! Tell me, would she be paying me Rs. 15 Lakh per appearance? Also, what would you anyways call people who think that godmen can actually solve their problem. Aren't they mad! So, what's wrong with calling a mad person mentally unstable? 

Me: Yeah, but that doesn't justify a sexual assault on her. Anyway sir, considering that you have been  Rajya Sabha Member, a Union Minister and a wannabe President of India, shouldn’t you be living up to the public expectations of doing public good and leading by example? I mean, how can a person who has always defended criminals be expected to show the moral compass to the people of this country? What kind of leader does that make?

RJ:  What a joker you journalists are! You guys just don’t see the good I am doing by taking up the briefs of known crooks who also happen to be rich & resourceful. I am a real desh-bhakt doing real jan-seva.  

Me: Howzzat?

RJ: It is quite simple. By agreeing to defend these chaps, I actually try and rob them of some of their ill gotten money by charging them hefty fees each time I appear in their cases. Take for example, Manu Sharma’s case. I was personally convinced that he was guilty of Jessica’s murder and is not going to be let off by the courts. But then, what’s the harm in ripping him off before the inevitable punishment is handed out by the courts? I’m in fact, helping convert their black money into white and ploughing it back into the mainstream economy by buying wine. I am doing the same with Asaram. This bugger has tonnes & tonnes of cash & gold hidden all across his ashrams.

You see, by questioning the girl’s character in an inappropriate manner and at an inopportune time, I’ve ensured more public anger against my client; even the judges across the country, I’m told, are furious with my line of arguments. This ensures that he may never get bail and may forever stay in jail. My job is to have as many hearings & court appearances as possible and make a few crores to organize a Modi- Advani Holi Milan. Plus you see, I am a fan of Modi and Asaram whose racket flourished & prospered under Modi’s rule in Gujarat. And that can happen only when you're in Modi's good books. So it is my duty to protect people whom Narendrabhai likes.    

Me: Now that you’ve spoken about Modi, I wonder what makes you back him politically?

RJ: You see, I have always wanted to be the President of this country. And Narendrabhai has promised to make me the nation’s President once he becomes the Prime Minister?

Me: But how can he give such an assurance? After all there is voting involved!

RJ: I know. I said the same to Narendrabhai. You know what he said?

Me: Tell me.

RJ:  He said – “Ram bhai, voting will happen if there are other contenders. Isn’t it? What if there are no other contestants. Afterall, people know what Vanzara et al can do if they take panga with me. As you know I hate competition from the core of my heart. By the way, I’m going to make Amit Shah the returning officer for these elections.”

Suddenly, one heard a lot of noise outside & around his residence and more than a dozen women of all hues & shades barged into his compound claiming that they were mentally unstable and were suffering from the ‘Man Disease’ and wanted to be alone with him in a room. By the way, some of them were carrying brooms, chappals and even lathis while others were seen holding cans with black paint oozing out .

And the interview came to an abrupt end.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Your being `Educated’ has me worried

There goes one more independence day marking India’s 67 years of `freedom’!

Freedom from what?

Being ruled by the British – certainly a Big Yes.

Freedom from everything else a society or nation ought to be free of – A big question mark!!

Like every year, Indians celebrated their nation’s independence in the usual way – putting on their traditional attires taking special care to wear colors resembling the national flag; hoisting national flag in their respective localities; standing as the national anthem was played; going shopping to nearby malls to avail `freedom discounts’; eating out as the domestic help chose to take an off on this important day; some took off to distant destinations to enjoy their long weekend while a few flew tricolor kites. And yes, we didn’t forget to wish our Facebook/Twitter friends a happy Independence Day. That’s about it!

Celebrating Independence Day in our country (& perhaps everywhere else) has been turned into a wonderful ritual full of tokenism. Anyone who doesn’t do any or all of the above stuff risks the chances of being perceived as `unpatriotic’ & weird.

Chasing away the British in 1947 was, at best, a symbol of natives taking charge and not the dead-end of our quest to shape our own destinies. Unfortunately, this is what things have boiled down to- Independence Day has degenerated into a mere `event’ instead of being a day of strengthening our resolve get rid of so many other things that continue to plague and fetter us as a people. This day should have ideally been treated as an occasion to constantly review & renew our goalposts about creating a truly emancipated society; truly reinventing ourselves and doggedly pursuing our common destiny as truly liberated people.

It is said that education is the key for change and a catalyst for making a better human being, better people. I too believe this, rather used to believe in this. But from what I see day-in & day-out, I wonder if education (getting a couple of degrees from an institution, coveted or otherwise) actually does anything to make us discharge our duties as socio-political-cultural change agents, something that educated citizens are expected to do in a largely uneducated & illiterate society like ours. On the contrary, I am increasingly getting convinced that India must stop looking at its educated middle class to liberate itself from the myriad ills it suffers from.

Sample these three cases, all involving urban, upwardly mobile, educated and well earning middle class & you’ll know what makes me think like this.


An MNC executive employed with the world’s highest selling mobile phone brand learns that an employee of his residential condominium has tried to molest his 11-12 years old daughter in the elevator. He rushes home, fully charged, frothing at the mouth with a lawyer colleague in tow and barges into the RWA office threatening the staff & office bearers of serious consequences and demanding that they file an FIR against the alleged culprit. The RWA informs its security agency and also the police. Subsequently a criminal case is filed, the alleged culprit is arrested & sent to jail and hearings in the case begin. The court issues summons to this gentleman to come & depose. He, in turn insists that the RWA attend the hearings as it was the RWA’s employee who did what he did. Cops kept visiting his place with summons after summons to depose but he didn’t bother to oblige. When pointedly asked as to why did he raise so much hue & cry if he didn’t want to pursue the matter and ensure that the alleged molester gets punished so that others don’t dare to repeat such offences, he confessed & hinted that getting leave from office would have been a problem. Also, if he did take leaves to attend court hearings, chances are that his work would have been allocated to someone else who then would have got promoted over him. Frequent absence from office may also have led to him getting fired.

What about your wife? She too is an educated woman, why can’t she go?

She too is working you see…same compulsions.

After six months, the court released the alleged molester for want of evidence/witnesses but not before his family in Bihar had sold off the little piece of land to pay for his legal expenses etc.


In a high-end 15 floor multistoried residential complex, the elevators in one of the towers has been breaking down frequently despite a sum of over Rs. 9 Lakhs having been spent by the RWA on their refurbishment. People get stuck in the elevators while going to work, school, shopping etc. and have to be rescued by the security chaps. And this rescue can take upto 30 minutes given that most security guards have no idea about elevator mechanisms. Climbing 15 floors can be a daunting experience for even the able-bodied, what to say of children and elderly who have no choice but to trek up & down.

The other day, one encountered this corporate animal puffing & panting while climbing stairs to his flat on the 14th floor. Barely able to speak out of exhaustion, he grinned & cribbed about the lifts.

Hey, this is serious. Have you complained to the management about these shoddy lifts?

“No yaar, what’s the point in complaining! I’m sure someone or the other must have complained given that a similar breakdown took place last week also. The management guys must be knowing about this”.

What if there were a medical emergency! And if it hasn’t been mended in a week, shouldn’t you be raising your voice against such sad state of affairs. After all, what for are you paying hefty maintenance charges? Someone in the RWA needs to answer!

“Well, the RWA guys are one of us only. They are our neighbours & I don’t want to screw up my neighborly relations with them. You see, my wife is a good friend of President’s wife and my kids go to the same school as Secretary’s. I look at it as an opportunity to get some exercise, something one doesn’t get to do very often. I think climbing stairs is good for my health”.

But think of others who aren’t as fit as you. And by the way, you can climb up & down may be once in day, but what about those who have to go up & down many times a day. What about children & elderly. Shouldn’t you be thinking of them & doing something about that?

He simply grinned and moved on.


A teenage girl studying in a sought after Delhi school visits my home during Diwali festival. She is accompanied by her parents who work in MNCs. I don’t remember clearly but at some point one started discussing cars. The girl told how her family car has been giving trouble despite being under warranty; how despite making multiple rounds of the authorized workshop, the problem remains. The manufacturer has stopped responding to the written complaints and is forever asking us to visit their workshop & get it rectified.

I suggested to her to escalate it to the higher ups and maybe put pressure through media by writing about it to their consumer grievances columns/shows; sharing the family’s experience on manufacturer’s social media pages and if everything else fails, approach a consumer forum.

She promptly rejected all these suggestions saying that if she did any of these things, her career may get jeopardized; she may not get admission to colleges abroad and may find it tough to land a job.

How come?

“You see, if I do any of these things, I, in all likelihood shall be perceived as a nagger, complainer, troublemaker, quarrelsome and difficult to work with types. I agree that one must fight for their rights, but not at the cost of one’s future & career”.

Her parents couldn’t have been more proud of her…their eyes said it all!

I would still like to continue believing that education could be a game changer in deciding the destiny of a nation, culture, a society & a community. I am convinced about its power to transform. But how does one explain educated people being conformists, regressive, reluctant or rather opposed to change, happy with status quo, scared, worried about consequences and their failure to see their roles in transforming the society or building a nation.

Just think- would the villagers and tribals of Odisha have managed to assert their legal rights in their fight against Odisha government batting for giant corporations like POSCO & Vedanta to protect their forests & ecosystem, had they been educated (educated in the sense middle class perceives it)?

I don’t think so.

Which raises another question – who among the two is educated & wiser and deserving of your respect?

Have our education and the educated failed us?    

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Rising Prices turn Manmohan into a Rebel: Refuses to vacate PM’s Chair for Rahul

The otherwise shy, invisible, inaudible Madam’s loyalist Manmohan Singh is reported to have conveyed a strong message to 10, Janpath that he is no longer a pushover and is very much in the race for Prime Ministership in 2014! Sources close to him inform that he is no mood to vacate his PM’s chair for Rahulji in the event UPA returns to power post 2014 general elections and is willing to press for a vote when push comes to shove to decide as to who’ll lead the UPA-III next year.

In a damning revelation, FICCIleaks website has posted secret audio recordings of conversations at PM’s residence made by USA’s NSA operatives who are said to have dozens of listening devices planted at 7, Race Course Road, PM’s official residence!

In one of the recordings, PM is heard being battered by his better half, bitter over the rising prices of tomatoes, onions, potatoes and all other green vegetables with some of them costing and others rushing to the Rs. 100/Kilogram levels. Previously, she was only worried about her domestic helps flicking things like petty cash left in drawers or MM Singh’s pajamas, jewelry,  expensive cutlery and gifts given by heads of states during phoren trips. But now she has to trail all the housemaids to see if anyone is laying their hands on her priceless collection of tomatoes & onions!

Alarmed at his poor chances of survival on his meager pension, the couple has decided that the best way to stay insulated from the rising prices is to continue being the prime minister for as long as one can. And to ensure that they have to spend bare minimum of their own money on food, Manmohan Singh would reach office before time & work till late seven days a week. This would ensure that his breakfast, lunch, tea & dinner are taken care of from PMO’s budget. He would also start travelling more & more, within & outside the country and never refuse any invitation to inaugurate something or the other anywhere in this country. This too shall ensure that his food expenses are taken care of by the host states, individuals & organizations inviting him. Since majority of such invites are also meant for the wife, a large part of her food expenses too shall be taken care of. Additionally, PM would host state dinners more frequently and also manipulate situations is such a way that all AICC & Congress Working Committee meetings have either lunch or dinner time overlapping.

So the food expenses are taken care of.

FICCIleaks has also uploaded another private conversation between PM & his wife. She can be clearly heard moaning about the frequent rise in petrol prices and then shouting at the Prime Minister that he better not think of making way for Rahul Gandhi ever.

“Why?” he is heard murmuring (audio not clear).

In response, she is heard saying- “B’coz your government has literally become a 100 rupee government! Be it tomatoes, onions or petrol, everything’s price is hurtling towards 100 Rupees!!”

She goes on - “Leaving your chair for that `young’ boy will ensure that we won’t have any official transport available at government expense! And by the time you demit office, petrol prices would have crossed the 100 Rupee mark, given the way the US Dollar is firming up against the Indian Rupee, a bulk of which carries your signatures as RBI Governer. We’ll have to use our own car for running errands-small or big! And paying fuel bills from personal pocket will ensure that we will be forced to sell the family silver within a year of two of retiring from Prime Ministership. Because I’m completely against asking our daughters for help! And Rahul baba has the option to eat at the homes of Kalawati and those of her ilk. The entire nation knows his fondness to spend the night in jhuggi-jhompris of the poor".
Political analysts & news studio lizards unanimously agree that the economist in Manmohan Singh has now clearly understood the economic ramifications of his political chivalry of vacating prime ministerial chair for Rahul Gandhi. Some are of the opinion that with such a solid motivation behind him, Manmohan Singh is walking into 2014 with all guns blazing and this may spell doom for Modi & his prime ministerial aspirations.  
Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers and admirers.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Nation confronted with Hobson’s Choice: Teachers as Cooks or Cooks as Teachers?

An unprecedented exodus of household helps, specially cooks has been reported from all over the country bringing a large parts of the urban economy into a grinding halt. The most affected are households in big cities, specially metros which are home to a large number of working couples who depend on cooks or khaansamas for their daily nutritional requirements. Neighbourhood dhabas & roadside eateries too are reporting sudden & steady outflow of cooks.

To get to the root of this phenomenon, this correspondent decided to visit some of the slums where these culinary experts live. He sees a crowd at a tea stall intently watching TV. No, it wasn’t an Indo-Pak cricket match. They were watching TV news and studio discussions about the death of children in Bihar after eating mid-day meals in their school. They came to know that teachers & principals of the school have been suspended for negligence and FIRs filed against them for cooking & serving contaminated meals as preparing & feeding mid-day meals to kids is teachers’ responsibility.

“Well, I wonder what the F are we doing here in Mumbai living under constant threat of being pulverized by MNS & Shiv Sena goons. I can any day make much better and tastier meals than these god forsaken teachers”, muttered a man in his early 30s.

 “Arrey, I had no idea that teachers need to cut veggies and cook food in school! All this while I was under the impression that you can become a teacher only if you can teach and for that you need to be educated. I’m not staying here for a moment more. I am going back home and taking up the job of a school teacher”, said another man with unshaven & unkempt beard.

Next morning, hordes of these people were seen boarding trains for journey back home.

Our special correspondents in Patna, Chennai, Siwan, Varanasi, Etawah, Babina, Sholapur, Ganjam, 24 Parganas & many other districts are reporting serpentine queues of men & women in front of District Education Officer’s offices seeking jobs as teachers. Incidents of sloganeering & stone pelting have also been reported from some places.

When asked about their qualifications for the job & questioned about literacy levels, this is how some of them justified their demand for being made a teacher -

Reporter: What qualifications, knowledge & skills do you bring to the table as a teacher?

Chef-de-Dhaba: I bring tasty, fresh, finger lickin’ good food to the table, garma garam from the stove. Give me the job and see both enrolments & attendance shoot up. With unprecedented literacy & education levels India will beat America in no time Baouji. What will a man not do for this paapi pait (sinful tummy; rolling his left palm over his tummy & patting it to produce a bongo like sound).     

Reporter: What about teaching? What subjects can you teach & have you done B.Ed.?

Ramu Kaka (Chef-de-Middle class household): Teach? Why do I have to teach when all that the government wants teachers to do is to cook & serve meals to poor & hungry students! Don’t you read or watch news? All they are talking about is how the teachers have failed in their duty and all the actions being taken against them! With so much work to do – buying groceries, peeling & slicing vegetables, cleaning utensils, collecting firewood & arranging cow dung cakes for cooking & serving food to kids, where is the time to teach bhaiyaji? And why should one need B.Ed. for cooking!!

Reporter: Well, teaching children is no longer a simple thing like asking them to stand up & loudly read out their books & copy from the blackboard. These days, teachers have to do lot of complex stuff like Continuous & Comprehensive Evaluation, that is CCE! How can you do all this without having ever attended school?

Tandoor Master: CCE may be a new and fancy thing for teacher-teachers, not for us. How the hell do you think that people like me manage to give you well cooked rotis, naans & parathas with the right amount of crispness? It is all because of CCE man! Each & every roti going into the tandoor has to be monitored continuously & comprehensively!!  You people really give too much importance to going to school. Big deal!!! 

Reporter:  But you see, teachers also have an important role to play in a country like ours. They are the backbone of election process, the very foundation on which Indian democracy rests.  

Halwai (Chef de Dessert):  I know. I have seen those teachers breaking chairs while knitting sweaters when I go to vote. What is it that they do that I cannot. I can put ink on anyone’s nails. Why do I need education for that!

Reporter:  But you have to at least be literate to read the electoral rolls and check their credentials?

Chef de Dessert: Unlike teachers who come from outside & don’t recognize any voter, I know and can recognize anyone from 10 villages around this place. So no bogus voting! Where’s the need to read anything here. Moreover, teachers need cops to stop mischief mongers. Make me a teacher, give me election duty and see which mother’s son (mai ka laal) has the guts to create ruckus inside & outside the booth (shows off his muscles and swollen chest bulging out of Rupa’s vest).

Reporter: And Census duty? I hope you know that as teachers you also have to work as enumerators for various census operations?

Dai (Midwife): Sir, my seven generations have been in the midwifery business. What census are you talking about sahib? Make me a teacher and I’ll show you how census is done. I know exactly who is whose child. You can fool these school teachers about your family size and number of offsprings etc., not me sahib! I can tell you the name of real father of each child here, do you get it!! I don’t have to go around knocking doors of each house. I can fill up all the census forms sitting on my little school desk under the neem tree in the school compound!  

Our New Delhi bureau reports that Shashtri Bhawan housing the HRD Ministry has been surrounded by cooks, waiters & kitchen assistants of all hues and shades including those from the Parliament House canteen, Hotels on Ashoka Road, Hotel Le-Meridein, Hotel Janpath & the Press Club of India. They are demanding a law scrapping the mandatory requirement of being educated and having B.Ed. or Nursery Teacher Training to become a teacher and absorbing all of them into teaching jobs.

A panicked minister of state for HRD, Shashi Tharoor has tweeted that he may starve to death given the fact that his domestic cook of 20 years has just announced his resignation on Twitter. Sources in the ministry reveal that neither Tharoor nor his wife know any cooking (food that is). And considering that cooks of all the non-cattle class hotels where he usually wines & dines could be seen in the crowd from his office window, he has no idea where his next meal would come from.  

Last heard, Madam Sonia Gandhi has called an emergency meeting of the National Advisory Council with Digvijay Singh as special invitee to chalk out a strategy that kills the snake and leaves the baton unbroken. Diggy Raja is known to have floated the idea of declaring parliament house, state assemblies & luxury hotels as schools and rechristening cooks as teachers. This is the only way politicians could be assured of a sumptuous mid-day meal every day.

Gujarat is the only state which has remained an exception so far as there are no reports of any such demonstrations or sloganeering from any part of the state. Some of the cooks who spoke to this reporter on conditions of anonymity said that with their chief minister being a master chef himself, there is no way they can beat him in the race to become a teacher. Upon being questioned as to what makes them call NaMo a Master Chef, a Gandhinagar based cook replied that NaMo can cook what none of them can – cook up figures; data; police encounters; success stories about himself & his state like no other politician.  

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Supreme Court's comments on Daughters-in-law as Housemaids rocks the institution of marriage

Psychiatrists & marriage-counselors across the country never had it so good. Huge serpentine queues in front of shrinks' offices are being reported from all the metros, cities and mofussil towns with men & women lining up in  equal numbers.

It is now confirmed that all these people report sudden  loss of  purpose of  life given the Supreme Court of India's ruling in a case asking people to treat their daughter-in-law as a family member and not as a housemaid.

Demonstrations are being reported from various places with men shouting slogans against the Supreme Court asking the court to tell them what to do with their wives & daughters-in-law now. Women too are pissed off with the court's order as they claim to have lost the purpose of living after their scared husbands and in-laws have stopped allocating them work.

“Tell me, how will I spend the day if all the work I was doing has now gone to my newly hired domestic help Kalawati”, thundered a housewife from a middle class locality.

In another part of the city, another woman rued the court's remarks saying that this order has actually left women like her at a major disadvantage. “If I do not work as a maid, why on  earth would my husband & in-laws include my name in their wills; what am I supposed to do now to win their hearts, property & wealth & get it written all in my name. What an identity loss!!”, she yells angrily.

“With no domestic chores to do, I am finding it difficult to fend off my husband's boring bedroom advances. Previously at least I could give the excuse of being tired after a day's hard work and refuse sex. Now what”, rues another housewife from an elite neighbourhood.  

On the other side, men too look devastated after this court order. Earlier, they would simply come home from work; ask for tea, snacks, drinks, dinner etc., plonk themselves in front of TV and doze off on the couch. There was no need to interact with their wives who were always busy doing their domestic maid-ish chores. Now, with their wives let free by the court order, they just don't know what to do with them.

“Earlier, the only talk I had with my parents' bahu is Hey, get me this & get me that. Now she's always sitting with me during breakfast, tea & dinner prodding me to talk something. Tell me, what do I talk with her? I shiver at the thought of coming back home and at the thought of having to talk with her. The only thing I can talk about is money, cars, IPL betting & bragging about paid sex during outstation tours with my male friends during drinking sessions. It is a rubbish judgment which has ruined my life”, he fumes.

Waving a banner criticizing the court's remarks, a top rung manager in a MNC regretted the development. “Having nothing else to do the whole day, my wife is full of vigour when I get back home in the evening. And she wants me to make each night romantic; she won't go to sleep till we've run the full course. And I just cannot do it. After getting screwed at my workplace for the whole day, I just don't have the energy for all this. I'm afraid, she is sooner or later going to get hooked with someone else and that'll be the end of our marriage”, he said in hushed tones.

A distraught elderly couple in Mangalore participating in a dharna organized by Bhartiya Sanskriti Sanrakshan Sene had this to say – “Our forefathers were very wise men. A lot of thought has gone into the concept of bahu or daughter-in-law. And you can realise their wisdom even today. Imagine the economic impact of having a maid to do all the domestic work and keeping another one just for  sex & procreation of one's family tree or vansh! Maintaining this dual system would play havoc with the finances of many a household. And that must be the reason why both these roles were clubbed together, what you guys call multi-tasking these days” he explained proudly amid slogan shouting by the trishul & lathi wielding sene members.

Another old man standing & listening to this conversation jumps in to add -”In fact, the origins of the word `bahu’ can be traced to the Hindi word `Bahut’ meaning ‘Many’. Bahu therefore stands for a multi-faceted multi-role performer”, he said with a smirk.

Commenting on the issue Delhi's Chief Minister Sheila Dixit and MNS leader Raj Thackeray, both echoed similar sentiments and criticized the court in what they labeled an attmpt to pollute Indian culture. They cited railways figures about the increase in women passengers from East Bengal, Bihar, Jharkhand, Orissa & Chhatisgarh pouring into Delhi & Mumbai to fill up the vaccum created in the housemaid sector. This, they said is a ploy to change the demographics of their cities.

Rates for Jhadoo-Ponchha (Cleaning-Mopping), Dusting, Cooking, Utensil Cleaning and Baby-Sitting have skyrocketed ever since the Supreme Court's observations were reported in the media. Union Finance Minister P. Chidambaram welcomed this development and is actively considering bringing the `housemaid' sector under Service Tax ambit. 

Progressive women's organizations have also hailed the court's order and are planning countrywide agitation for creation employment opportunities for all the ex-housemaids set free by the court. All India Mall Owners Federation too has welcomed the court's order and is expecting an increase in footfalls in their otherwise empty malls.

“Married women or bahus now have all the time to shop and we are planning to add more malls basis the increased footfalls. We have also commissioned an ad-campaign linking women's liberation with shopping. After all, a woman's liberation & modernity quotient is measured by how much she can shop & how frequently, isn't it”, asked the federation's president.    

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Indian Judicial System CHESTized

Human chest is a very handy thing…and please don’t get me wrong for I am only referring to some well known but least understood uses of human chest. Biology teaches us that we all have a chest…that it is held in shape by a rib cage which also houses our heart…so on and so forth.


Not if one goes by the way our justice delivery system works! For the Indian judicial system, Chest is the sole prerogative of the rich and the well connected. Ordinary people just don’t have it. Which is why almost all the financially well off scamsters and networkers seldom get to stay in jail even after being arrested for the most heinous crimes, including looting public money. They invariably complain of chest pain and land up in comfy confines of a hospital – usually an expensive five star types. The chest pain continues till their lawyers and well wishers pull strings to get them bail.

And this brings us to another chest – the currency chest. Yes, the same one which several court judges are alleged to have been caught stacking with crisp papers embossed with Gandhiji’s face.

And it is these two chests that form the foundation of our justice delivery system, leave aside a few pathbreaking ‘Chest Free’ pronouncements from the haloed portals of the Supreme Court and a handful of High Courts.

Which brings me to the case of Binayak Sen, by now a well known `seditionist’ if a Chhatisgarh court has to be believed. Lot of people seem to have been heartbroken (the non-chest types, I guess) by the news of Dr. Sen being denied bail by Chhatisgarh High Court who continues to stay behind real bars.

Why – the answer lies in the chest doctrine.

Also, a perusal of quality of judgments emanating from our High Courts would indicate that High Courts situated in states ruled by party(s) of a particular flag hoisting `nationalist’ ideology have seldom passed orders that’ll displease the ruling dispensation. That could explain why victims of one of the most infamous communal riot cases had to approach the Supreme Court to shift their cases outside the state. And the Supreme Court, in several instances has aceepted such pleas and shifted hearings to courts in neighbouring states for a `fair’ trial.

To me, this is a clear admission of inability of judges to work independently, either due to their own limitations or threats to their personal safety by overzealously `patriotic’ hoodlums or both. Remember how Pakistan Supreme Court behaved while Musharaf was in power and the kind of laws & amendments it approved of. And how the same Supreme Court of Pakistan suddenly grew a spine after Musharraf’s ouster. I know, many patriotic Indians despise the idea of being compared to Pakistan. But one can’t help but compare as the quality of justice and courts’ objectivity in both the countries seems to be a function of the ideological and administrative environment in which they work.

So, in addition to magistrates and judges being financially, morally and ethically corrupt, fear and flattery (towards those at the helm of affairs) too seem to play a role. Chhatisgarh government’s antipathy towards the likes of Binayak Sen is well known to all, including the magistrates and the judges who heard his case. And thus, the chances of him getting any relief from their courts are bleak.

So while our justice delivery system scans defendants for their chests, is their any way we can install high-res MRI Spine Scanners right at the entrance of corridors leading to the judges’ chambers?

Youth - An Overhyped & Overrated bunch?

Indian youth had never had it so good. With over 50% share in the population, youth is being venerated  day in & day out…paens are being sung by all & sundry…the media is going over them, films are being made targeting youth & what not. In some cases, youth are even getting prominence at the cost of other groups. The entry of 79 MPs below 40 years of age is being heralded as a watershed moment in India’s parliamentary history.

Anyone who doesn’t fit into the `youth’ category must be feeling completely out of place, as if (s)he has committed a sin by not being young!

But why are we celebrating youth? What’s so special about this group…what have they done?? Why do we speak so highly of them??? It’s time we understood this stuff.
`Youth’ in my view, is synonymous with a deep & never ending yearning for positive change, an element of rebellion against what exists,  the way it exists and a fountainhead of fresh ideas & boundless energy to translate them into action…above all, someone who romances idealism. Alas, the Indian youth doesn’t exhibit any of these qualities. Why only India, even globally, the role of young people in shaping public policies, influencing socio-cultural-political landscapes has been found wanting. When was the last time you heard about a youth movement that radically altered the level of public debate about the way the world is…and ways to change it?
Not very long ago, we had several young men & women taking part in India’s freedom struggle. Globally too, we have seen youth fighting against racism, apartheid, social inequalities, wars, gender bias, and numerous forms of discrimination and repression devised by those who rule societies and nations. The world we live in today is largely a product of these movements led by the youth.

So, is the youth of our times taking this glorious legacy forward?

No! Sadly, the youth today is nothing but an old, stagnant & defeated mind caged inside a relatively younger body…a body capable of more frequent copulation (perhaps the only distinguishing feature between the youth and the aged) but with a mind bereft of fresh ideas, new thinking and yes…idealism. He or she does not have a dream of his own…in fact, day after day, they live the dreams of the so called old people by chasing & craving for a house of their own, a healthy bank balance, retaining their jobs, possessing latest household gadgets, changing cars every three years, spouses every two years and cellphones every year. `Change’ for them means a change of job and wealth levels…`Rebellion’ for them means having utmost contempt for their elders at best and jumping traffic signals at worst…an `Upwardly Mobile’ society for them means personal movements up the money & influence charts excluding everyone and `Empowerment’ means nothing else but an enhanced ability to swing deals their way.

Try spending some time with young people at any coffee or fast food joints around college campuses in cities or cigarette shops/chai ka gallas in small towns or villages. Simply overhear their talks and all your ideas about `youth’ leading this country and making it the next superpower would get sorted out  for good.

Because the youth today thinks and acts exactly like their grandfathers would. If that wasn’t the case, things like dowry & wife beating would have vanished long back…with youth rejecting this horrid tradition and those perpetuating it. Casteism would have become a thing of the past as majority of our young population would have freely & fearlessly married people from other castes, religions and regions (just take a look at matrimonial columns). Girls wouldn’t have been killed in wombs as their  young fathers wouldn’t have thought of them as lowly creatures unworthy of their love and affection.  And  corrupt politicians & bureaucrats wouldn’t have enjoyed the powers they do today. They’d be living in mortal fear of being caught, exposed  & questioned by the youth. On the contrary, young men & women of today aspire to be like them and curse themselves & their lineage if they can’t make the grade.

Let us look at our `young’ parliamentarians whom the media is raving about. We are being told that their presence in increased numbers would lead to a paradigm shift in the way things work in this country. Really? Isn’t it akin to saying that having a Rabri Devi as Chief Minister or Indira Gandhi as Prime Minister improves the status of women in the country? Has it??

As reproductive by-products of a political father or mother or both, they are well grounded in the kind of politics their parent(s) indulge in, just the way a shopkeeper’s or farmer’s son picks up threads of knowledge from seeing his father at work. And they’ll do more of the same things. The only difference being that they’ll do all this speaking the language that the `youth’ understands. With youth comprising the largest chunk of our populace, their acceptance is likely to higher than that of their old, doddering, incoherent & out of fashion parents. And that’s the only `change’ we are likely to witness. Period.

Unfortunately, I can’t name any young politician here for the fear of being slapped with libel but just think of any name and audit this guy’s actions in & out of parliament…what did (s)he do as a minister…in whose company did (s)he spend time with, where and doing what. How many times did (s)he questioned the way things were in working in his party or government? I bet your conclusion won’t be very different from what I’ve expressed above.

All this brings us back to the original question- why then are we venerating the youth the way we do?

Well, being the single largest constituent of our society, they happen to be the largest consumer group- consumers who’d lap up the goods and services being produced/imported in the country. The producers of these goods, with the help of the media have managed to create some sort of `uniformity’ among youth as far as desires, aspirations & beliefs are concerned. So from Jaipur to Jajpur, Pondicherry to Paonta Sahib and Dibrugarh to Daman, you’ll comes across young people with similar notions of progress, growth, happiness and matching shades of political vision & understanding. By & large they idolize the same people lionized by the media – cricketers, bollywood guys & gals and industry kaptans. They crave for the same things, be it material possessions or positions of power- be it in the government or the corporate sector. Nuisance value (the ability & power to screw others’ peace & happiness) is worshiped by young people regardless of the place or class they belong to.

And this universalization of thoughts, deeds & dreams is crucial to sell mass manufactured `standardized’ products, thereby helping gigantic businesses make a killing in the markets. And this perhaps is the reason why youth movements elsewhere too have died down. Afterall,  it’s not for nothing that the world is called a globalized village!

And those of you outside the `young’ bracket, please take heart…the youth today doesn’t pose any challenge to you. In fact, it is very much like you, may be worse.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Scam Fallout - Mamata to tie Rakhi to Manmohan Singh; Ajit Pawar declares Sonia elder sister; NaMo suffers depression

Kolkata & Mumbai, May 06, 2013

West Bengal's Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee today announced that she intends tying Rakhi to  Prime Minister Manmohan Singh coming Rakshabandhan and making him her brother.

"Brathers are supposed to be sabhiours of their sisters, protecting them everytime they come in harms way. And Monmohan Shing has done ekjactly that by dibherting media and public attenshun from Saradha cheet-phund scam and phokashing the limelight on himself, his railway minishter Pabon Koomar Bonshol and Law minishter Ashbhani Koomar. I ken not tail you how reeleeebhd I am today. Thet constant cobherage of the scam was like hel baba...leebhing us no time to erect neeu electrishity poles in bhitween the court and the jail bhere Shoodipto Sen & other Saradha peepul are kept. You see, we hab to inshtall poles on both sides of the road becoj we don't know from which bhindow of the jail van  Shoodipto would be peeping before his head bangs the pole," she said speaking to whatever journalists are left in the city, mostly representing media houses owned by chit fund companies.

When this correspondent asked her about the progress in the enquiry about SFI activist Sudipto Gupta's death, Mamata lost her temper & shot back angrily - "You see, anyone named Shoodipto can nebher be a good pershun. That Shoodipto Gupta was from the Left which is an unforgivable crime in my eyes. And the Saradha guy too is Shoodipta. Do you still think that Shoodipto Gupta was an innoshent nice boy? You have to be a leftist sympathiser to think like that!!!"

Hundreds of kilometres away on the western side of the country, NCP leader Ajit Pawar held an impromptu press briefing while peeing in a dried up reservoir adjoining a dam. Pawar expressed immense gratitude to Sonia Gandhi for mothering & mentoring a government that gives birth to a new scam everyday.

"It is because of her sacrifices that today I am standing & talking to you in such a relaxed manner. Life was miserable for me and the Marathi people in general till a few days ago with constant bombardment of news about unprecedented drought in Maharashtra and the builder-politician nexus in the wake of building collapse in Thane. And of course the beating up of that silly constable by our MLAs. You won't believe it when I would say that the sight of newsmen & OB vans used to make me super-anxious which resulted in dysuria. With the presswallahs around, my kidneys used to stop  discharging wastewater properly & continuously. Drinking several pegs of Johnny Walker at one go also didn't help. All that is now history courtesy Coal-gate & Rail-gate. Only a loving & caring elder sister would sacrifice so much for her brother."  

When our stringer asked him whether he has any plans to visit 10, Janpath on Rakshabandhan, Mr. Pawar confirmed his plans to do so & get a Rakhi tied by none other than the UPA-II chairperson. He also announced that in return for tying the rakhi, he would give Sonia ji 25% share in all the NCP's revenue from illegal building business and irrigation scam.

Pawar also made a standing offer of providing enough water to Lutyens Delhi during the dry summer months. He promised to camp on the banks of Yamuna close to Okhla barrage and fill it up the same way he proposes to fill up Maharashtra's dams.

At the time of going to the press, our Gandhinagar correspondent reports that Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi has checked into a hospital for extreme mental depression. Sources close to his psychiatrist have told our correspondent that the root of his ailment lies in the widespread coverage & news studio discussions about lesser mortals like Ashwani Kumar & P.K. Bansal. After having featured in the media non-stop on a daily basis, Mr. Modi is not able to digest the fact that the media could ever consider anything else more important than him. He has been shifted to ICU whose four walls, floor & ceiling are made of video-walls playing Modi's looped visuals without a break.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

PM Summons Land Sharks to Counter Chinese Intrusion in Ladakh

New Delhi, May 01, 2013
While watching the presentation made by the Chief of Army Staff, Gen. Bikram Singh this afternoon, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is reported to have liked the idea of tit for tat and sending a strong signal to China and showing off some Indian muscle by intruding into Chinese lands elsewhere along the Line of Actual Control ordering Tibet.
He has however ruled out letting the Indian Army do this job. Being an economic wizard that he is, Manmohan Singh has actually asked the Builders, Developers, Colonizers and other Land Sharks to do this job for the Indian Army. The Army Chief has been asked to float a tender inviting these property developers to execute this task. 
The reasoning given by the Prime Minister to the high command is that no one in the world can match & beat the abilities of our Real Estate sharks in matters relating to grabbing lands, specially those belonging to the government. And since the border areas along LAC belong to the Chinese government, our builders would be able to do what no army can ever do, that too without shedding a drop of blood or sweat for that matter. The PM also said that this would be a good way to solve the land bank problem being faced by Indian builders saddled with farmer protests & court cases against land acquisition. He in fact, presented a plan for declaring the areas thus captured within Chinese territory as Special Economic Zones meant exclusively for duplicating Chinese goods and flooding the Chinese market with these sub-sub-standard goods. This would be in line with Mahatma Gandhi’s Ahimsa doctrine as not a single bullet would need to be fired in meeting these cherished objectives. 
When asked about the source of his new found confidence & optimism, MM Singh explained to Madam that like India, Chinese ruling establishment too is mired in deep rooted corruption. This means that our land grabbers would find it a cakewalk to bribe the Chinese patwaris & registry officials & get the land titles mutated in their names without any hassles. Yak herders along the LAC who may protest against such acquisition shall be threatened with dire consequences & silenced by the followers & admirers of Raja Bhaiyya of Kunda in Pratapgarh, U.P. who would be drafted specially for this task. 
He is likely to announce massive tax concessions to the real estate barons who’ll help capture Chinese lands along LAC by giving them a tax holiday forever. He is also thinking of providing each of these builders with Z plus category CRPF protection every time they venture into Chinese territory.   
Reliable sources have told this correspondent that Intense lobbying has already begun to bag this job. Property dealers from Haryana & Mumbai’s underworld dons are giving tough competition to organised real estate giants like DLF, Unitech, Hiranandanis, Emaar, MGF, Godrej, Reliance, Sobha, Ansals, Indiabulls, Parsvanath, Tatas etc.
Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.