Monday, April 22, 2013

US hastens Afghan troop withdrawal to provide Super Z+ Security to Bill Gates & Others

April 22, 3013, Washington DC

Taking cue from Indian government’s decision to provide Z+ category security to industrialist Mukesh Ambani by deploying paramilitary forces, the US senate today debated the issue & resolved to do the same with US billionaires including Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Donald Trump, Mark Zuckerberg, Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Larry Ellison & a host of others with a promising potential to literally enrich the coffers of both, Democrat & Republican camps during election campaigns.

The senate wholeheartedly passed another related bill to hasten troop withdrawal from Afghanistan to set free enough marines and equipment required to guard these richie-richs.

When questioned by scribes during a press conference about the justification for providing such security at taxpayer’s cost, that too by US marines, the White House spokesperson categorically stated that it does not look nice that poor countries like India are able to provide Z+ security to their moneybags who are way poorer than ours. He emphasized that now that third world countries like India are providing paramilitary protection to Ambani, the US govt., in order to retain its image as the global leader & a rich nation, was left with no option but to assign the US Military the task of safeguarding these VIPs.

When asked by a scribe as to why the govt. did not consider roping in the State Police or FBI for this job, the spokesperson replied that the senate could have considered these options only if India had entrusted this job to the State Police or the CBI.

“Make no mistake, the US was, is and shall continue to be at the forefront of everything under the sun and cannot afford to leave its billionaires feel demoralised & inferior to businessmen from 3rd world”.

Asked by Al Jazeera correspondent as to how could the US Govt. think of spending so much of public money to safeguard private individuals, that too in the face of persistent economic recession & spending cuts, all that the spokesman said was “YES, WE CAN”, before rushing back into the White House.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Highest Court allows Dawood & Li’l Shakeel immunity from prosecution & persecution

Karakoram Mountains, April 18, 2013

Situated atop a freezing peak 8850 meters high, the highest court of the land has granted known gangsters, druglords & terror financers Dawood & Li’l Shakeel immunity from prosecution. The court also issued notice to the union home ministry and the union justice ministry asking as to why all FIRs registered against them should not be quashed with immediate effect.

The court ruling came on two separate petitions filed by the lawyers of these two `most wanted’ men seeking exemption from prosecution on the grounds that rozi-roti, i.e. livelihood of thousands, if not millions, of people around the world would be at risk if these two were ever arrested, imprisoned & incarcerated in jails. They presented data to convince the 2-judge bench that billions of rupees worth transactions would be endangered by their arrest; that they have taken suparis for bumping off many people around the globe and also for arranging terror attacks in India. Their lawyers emphasized that good professionals and great men never go back on their word which by the way is also considered breach of contract…something their clients would never ever allow to be associated with their well-earned glorious reputations. They also expressed worry as to who would pay the hundreds of bomb planters, explosive carriers, sharpshooters & cops whose quality of living depends on the money they receive from their clients.

By the end of the day-long hearing, the bench was convinced that with the police continuing to pursue them, the entire global economy would be in grave danger & their arrest may lead to an economic meltdown & an unprecedented rise in crimes commited by the millions employed by the underworld who would suddenly be rendered unemployed with the arrest of their bosses. Looking pissed off with the explanations given by the public prosecutors, one of the even thundered as to how does the govt. propose to absorb all these poor & noveau-unemployeds? The court was convinced that arresting & prosecuting Dawood & Shakeel would also mean that CBI, State Police & even Interpol would be left without much work to do. The government(s) may not be able to justify employment of so many cops & detectives and thus may be compelled to trim down these departments. This would further add to consequential unemployment and may swell the ranks of criminals & fraudsters. The arrest of the two petitioners would also have a negative impact on innovation as winding up of their underworld empire would dry up funds available for scientific research & technical advancements in the fields of bomb detonations, fake identity creation, summggling techniques, wireless communications & local weapon development.

The court accepted the contentions of Dawood’s lawyer that even the airline & hospitality industries would suffer a serious jolt as the cops would have less chances to fly places in search of his client. Consequently, hotel room occupancy rates would drop drastically. The shipping industry too would be severely affected by the likely reduction in contraband traffic controlled & regulated by his client. He presented data using MS Powerpoint to show off his client’s contribution to global economy, directly & indirectly.

Shakeel’s lawyer contended that by opening up & expanding their underworld empires, his client & his associates were actually helping the cause of global peace by absorbing those with criminal mindset and giving their lives a purpose, better than what Mother Teresa did. “Imagine meeelard! what would have happened to the peace & prosperity of the world had my client not intervened on time, identified, trained & employed these men? The streets of India, Pakistan, Dubai & Bangkok would have been unsafest meelard!! Had my client not been paying hefty hafta to the cops, imagine the bribe rates that would have skyrocketed like hell…instead of getting away by paying just 100 bucks for jumping traffic signals, citizens would have had to pay 5-10 times the bribe for the same service levels! Where would Bollywood be meelard if my client was to be incarcerated; who’ll fund the films, including those of your dearest Sanju baba? In fact, instead of making life miserable for my client, the govt. should be nominating them for Nobel Peace prize meelard!!” he argued.

While accepting their pleas & passing a favourable order, the court also ordered Dawood & Shakeel to give a written undertaking that they would be financing at least 2 films eulogising the likes of Gandhiji, Ambedkar & Modi etc. specially targeting the youth. The counsels for both agreed to this condition then & there and deposited a surety of Rs. 300 crores each on the spot, in crisp cash!!

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Delhi Police's report on Didi's heckling leaked!

New Delhi. The Delhi Police have submitted a detailed report on the fracas & heckling of Didi & Dr. Mitra in front of Yojana Bhavan on 9th April. As the Home Minister Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde is not in town, the sealed envelope containing the report is yet to be opened & its contents perused. However, this reporter has accessed a copy of the complete report just by slipping a 50 rupee note in the hands of the constable manning the despatch desk at the police headquarters.

The report graphically details out the steps taken by the Delhi Police unit entrusted with Didi & her lieutenants’ security and more or less corroborates the statements made by CPM & SFI leaders that she deliberately chose to get into trouble.

The report mentions that while starting from her residence, Didi looked quite serious & bored. In the car also she didn’t speak much and kept staring at people & objects passing by on left side of her car. However, when she suddenly heard the sound of sloganeering from a distance, her mood changed completely. There was a sudden rush of adrenaline and she asked her PSO to take her there. While the cops advised her against doing so, she was adamant and told them how badly she has been missing this excitement in sterile Lutyens Delhi. The sight of a small crowd holding flags & placards reminded her of things back home…her super comfort zone…something that has been an inseparable part of her DNA, her existence! It reminded her of Bengal!!
When Dr. Mitra tried to persuade her against getting down & mingling with the protestors, she whispered into his ears loudly that joining the protestors, who in all likelihood must be displaying their anger & frustration against the UPA govt., would give her a better bargaining chip inside the planning commission. It would also help her party win over sympathisers in Delhi which in turn would help in enrolling local goons as party’s chhatra parishad members. She asked Dr. Mitra to carry on with the meeting while she shouted slogans outside Yojana Bhavan. She also confided in him that she needed more time to get used to such serious, boring & data crunching meetings considering that her expertise lay in street corner left-bashing meetings. Before Dr. Mitra could say anything, she jumped out of the door and melted into the crowd.

Here, the report mentions that her PSOs have been suspended for not arming the Child Lock on the rear doors of her car. Even the car mechanic has been picked up for questioning as to why did he not make the Child Locks permanent. His mobile records are being scanned to see if he was in touch with CPM, SFI or other leftist outfits.
Once in the crowd, Didi realised that contrary to what she assumed, it was actually a protest against her! By then it was too late to return to the car. The sight of an iron rod set her pulse racing and then the cops set her racing into Yojana Bhavan through another gate.

As far as tearing of Dr. Mitra’s kurta goes, the report clearly says that this could have been the handiwork of local pickpockets. As the Planing Commission is close to the Parliament House which is full of MPs & several central ministries which are full of ministers & babus, the area is teeming with pickpockets 24x7x365.

Mr. Yechury of CPM countered this theory and claimed that Dr. Mitra tore off his kurta pocket himself as a way of convincing commission’s Dy. Chairman Moneytake Singh that his wallet was actually empty and needed generous central funding desperately. He evaded queries about the pickpocket being a member of his party’s newly constituted fund raising committee now that it is out of power in Bengal & Kerala & needs money badly for 2014 elections.

Yojana Bhavan staffers questioned by the police as to why did they take so much time in opening the gate for Dr. Mitra, told the police that none of them could recognise Dr. Mitra as they had never seen him in kurta-pyjama or walking on foot! In the past, whenever Dr. Mitra visited the place as FICCI General Secretary, he always wore expensive suits & never came in with an empty purse. On the contrary, his wallet was always full & he was generous in sharing some of his or FICCI’s good fortunes with them. This man, whom the police was calling Dr. Mitra didn’t even give them the customary bakshish that every Indian citizen including paupers have to pay in govt. offices!

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual or a political entity or its followers.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Angry Mamata refuses to board plane with a left wing

New Delhi April 10, 2013

Still fuming over being heckled by SFI activists yesterday in front of Yojana Bhavan, Mamata Di cancelled all her appointments with the PM & FM and decided to head back straight to Kolkata, her comfort zone.

Upon reaching the I.G.I. Airport, she was taken straight to the tarmac in a special jeep bypassing the mandatory frisking, baggage & identity checks. Sources in the Home Ministry say that the orders exempting her from these checks came right from top as the govt. did not want any of the CISF jawans & officers to bear the brunt of her anger. The govt. was also concerned about the safety of CISF offices, properties & vehicles in the state of West Bengal in case the sight of any metal rod reminds her of any sinister plot to kill her.

Upon reaching the ladder of the chartered aircraft meant to fly her to Kolkata, Didi was shocked to learn that the plane had a left-wing. She lost her cool and shouted at the officials escorting her as well as the plane’s crew and pulled up the pilot for leaning left from time to time. She wanted the left-wing to be removed immediately & all `compulsory left’ signages along the route to be dismantled.

Upon being politely told that flying without a wing would be impossible, Didi threw a fit and dubbed a left-wing extremist. Standing on the tarmac in her trademark whitish saree, she also issued a verbal press statement terming it a conspiracy hatched by the Congress led UPA Govt. at the Center in connivance with the left parties. As there were no scribes present, her statement was leaked to the press by the ground services staff of the aircraft parked nearby who managed to overhear it.

Unable to pacify her, the govt. finally made her speak to Pranab Da who managed to sell her the idea of flying back in a helicopter as it does not have any left-wing.

The chopper took off for Kolkata after a delay of four hours. Reports are coming in that the chopper pilot has made an emergency call to ATC as Didi is not allowing him to take a left turn. She is also reported to be persistently insisting that the pilot fly the chopper backwards, exactly in the direction Paschim Bongo is moving in under her able leadership. She is quite confident that by the time the chopper reaches Bengal’s airspace, West Bengal would have moved a little more southwards towards the Bay of Bengal. Hence the landing coordinates would have changed and only TMC cadre present on the ground would be able to guide them to the helipad.

Confused, fearing for his personal safety & morbidly scared of being taught a lesson in flying right by the TMC cadre at Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose airport, the pilot is seeking permission to overfly to Agartala.

Note: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual or a political party. 

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