Saturday, September 28, 2013


By & large, the entire nation hailed Supreme Court judgement upholding citizen's right to reject all the candidates in a poll and its order to the Election Commission to introduce a special button for those wanting to exercise their Right to Reject. Sensing the public mood, most political parties and their netas have welcomed this judgement to harvest public goodwill by appearing to be `politically correct' even though deep down inside their hearts (I know they have one b'coz of the chest pain syndrome everytime a politician faces the prospect of staying in jail) & souls (not sure if they have one), most netas abhor this judgement. 

I happened to eavesdrop into a sinister All Party conversation among a handful of politicians and their cronies. I must tell you that there was no one from the Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) in this get together.

The place was a pub called PUB Lic-ki-Lee. And this is what transpired at the pub-

Congress-ee (to BJP Wala): So, you guys were damn clever. First you wanted the bill to nullify Supreme Courts order banning convicted politicians from contesting or holding seats and suddenly your party does an about turn to appear holier than thou.

RJD Cattle Herder: Bade chaalu ho tum log Bhau!

BJP Bajrangi (Smiling coyly): Aaapke Lalu ji kis se kam hain Tau! Let bygones be bygones man. We have gathered here to deal with this second supreme court bombshell about the extra button.

SP's Pehalwan: How I wish the supreme court had ordered caste & religion based buttons instead. People would then have had to press the button of the community they belonged to and their votes would have automatically gone to the candidate of their caste ot community.

BSP Behenji (objecting): As always, you can't help remiaining a dim wit! What if there are be more than one candidate from the same caste or community!!

RLD's Jatta: Arrey, in that case the votes would be proportionatley divided among all the same caste candidates. Bhai, making candidates stand is in our hands after all. We'd just need to make sure that we don't field same caste guys for the same seat.

As they kept ordering drinks after drinks, their voices kept on becoming louder but incoherent.

Congress-ee: What does Arun Ketlee say?

BJP Bajrangi: Same thing what your Cupill Sibbal said. Since the option is NONE OF THE ABOVE – let us place this button on top of all the other buttons.

RJD: Bhat an idea sir jee. You pee-pul are lucky to have so many chaalu vakilva-sab in your party. This way, ebhen if the voters press the `reject' button, we can always argue in court that since the button said NONE OF THE ABOVE & there was no candiddate listed above that button, hence the rejection has to be rejected.

SP: This way the snake gets killed while the baton remains alive!

TDP's Faidu: I have another idea. How about bribing the vendor who supplies components to the EVM factory. I have had a word with the guy who supplies EVM buttons to the elction commission. On being promised of a ticket in the state assembly elections, he is willing to make this button fragile with poor quality plastic and other third rate raw materials. It won't last more than two dozen pressings.

BSP Behenji: How will that help?

Trinamool Didi: I get it. Fed up with the candidate choices, a lot of bhoters are expected to turn up for bhoting now. Ebhen doj who nebher bhoted till now weel come to bhote. Bhith so many peepool presshing the shame button, it is going to break or stop vaarking after a phew times. Then peepool weel habh no chois baat to bhote for our candidates. Baba re baba- what a bhalo idea!!

TDP's Faidu – Didi, I wlays knew you are a clever girl. Good that you are so far away from Andhra Pradesh...err...or should I say Telangana???

RJD Cattle Herder: Arey Faidu saheb. Keep all this Gaana-Bajaana for later. I am pheeling bhery disturbed – Monday is the judgment day na! Be-chara Lalua. Ee Rahulva ne jo press konference mein ant-shant bol ke sara kaame kharab kar diya na! Warna ordinans-wa pass hoiye na jaata!!!

Arey waiter-wa...marde jaldi se ek tho aur badka gilas bhar ke lava na...sabbe ke khatir.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

An encounter with Ram Jethmaligni, the man behind the malign-ant "Man Disease"

A number of rape & molestation cases have been reported from across the country between yesterday & today. In almost all the cases, the victims were reported to be alone with their tormentors in a room. All the accused arrested in these cases have claimed innocence citing that the women complaining of rape & molestation were actually suffering from a mental disease that makes women yearn for solo male company inside a room. All the accused & their lawyers have spiritedly cited this `disease’ whose details were disclosed for the first time by none other than Ram Jethmaligni, India’s noted criminal lawyer and a presidential wannabe.  

In one instance, a terminally ill patient tried to rape a nurse attending to him in a five star hospital. Upon being questioned by the police inside the ICU, he told the investigators that the reason the nurse came to his room while he was alone there is because she is suffering from the `Man Disease’ referred to by Mr. Jethmaligni. He even threatened the nurse that he has all the money in the world to hire Ram Jethmaligni should she decide to press charges against him. Fearing character assassination & the related media debates on Jethmaligni's vilification drive against rape victims, the nurse has reportedly decided not to press charges.     

I just happened to run into a charged up Ram Jethmaligni yesterday evening exiting his office and chasing him were the Times Now crew members trying to pacify him. I later learnt that he was irked upon being questioned, hounded & pounded over his alleged character assassination and attempts to malign the girl whose complain has seen the crooked saint called Asaram Bapu behind bars.   

Anyway, I followed him to his home and asked for a non-aggressive interview to which he immediately agreed. Here is what transpired in the interview –

Me: Well Sir, why did you decide to leave the Times Now interview midway? The channel is claiming that it was Arnab’s tough questioning that you couldn’t handle!

RJ:  Go & tell that loudmouth buffoon that I quit the interview midway not because of his tough questioning but because I was craving for wine. The entire country sees me sipping wine every time I get interviewed on TV in the evening. And despite knowing this, that silly news channel didn’t care to send wine & glass from its side. And you know, I lose my mental balance if I’m not administered wine from time to time.

Me:  Hmm….that perhaps explains why you chose to malign the poor girl assaulted by Asaram instead of fighting for justice for her. One isn’t allowed to carry their wine glasses into the court. And this must have upset you like anything!

RJ:  Dammit! Even if the judge had made an exception for me and allowed me to sip wine while arguing Asaram’s case, that bloody Jodhpur is such a hot place and with no AC inside the courtroom, the wine wouldn’t have tasted fine, you see.  

Hey, how about me telling the judge the next time that my client Asaram is innocent and the fault lies with Rajasthan’s hawa-pani. What else explains so many Rajasthani rape cases that have hogged the limelight…rape of a rural social worker or saathin, then the one involving Orissa DGP’s son Bitti Mohanty and the current hot favourite Babu Lal Nagar, a minister in Rajasthan Govt. Then there is this Mahipal Maderna, another minister accused of murdering a woman whom he sexually exploited. So the problem is with Rajasthan & its climate, you see. With so much circumstantial evidence, I’m sure Asaram shall not only be granted bail but may even be pronounced not-guilty!! 
 I think this is the ultimate winner argument!!!

Me: Some people are playing around with your name and calling you Ram Jeth-maligni after you chose to malign the victim of Asaram’s hyper-sexuality.  

RJ:  Dammit!I give two hoots for any & all the people. They have no business deciding who I should do business with. How the hell do you think I earn my wine & cheese? What would I have got had I decided to represent the girl instead of Asaram!! Not even one sip of wine or one cube of cheese!!! Tell me, would she be paying me Rs. 15 Lakh per appearance? Also, what would you anyways call people who think that godmen can actually solve their problem. Aren't they mad! So, what's wrong with calling a mad person mentally unstable? 

Me: Yeah, but that doesn't justify a sexual assault on her. Anyway sir, considering that you have been  Rajya Sabha Member, a Union Minister and a wannabe President of India, shouldn’t you be living up to the public expectations of doing public good and leading by example? I mean, how can a person who has always defended criminals be expected to show the moral compass to the people of this country? What kind of leader does that make?

RJ:  What a joker you journalists are! You guys just don’t see the good I am doing by taking up the briefs of known crooks who also happen to be rich & resourceful. I am a real desh-bhakt doing real jan-seva.  

Me: Howzzat?

RJ: It is quite simple. By agreeing to defend these chaps, I actually try and rob them of some of their ill gotten money by charging them hefty fees each time I appear in their cases. Take for example, Manu Sharma’s case. I was personally convinced that he was guilty of Jessica’s murder and is not going to be let off by the courts. But then, what’s the harm in ripping him off before the inevitable punishment is handed out by the courts? I’m in fact, helping convert their black money into white and ploughing it back into the mainstream economy by buying wine. I am doing the same with Asaram. This bugger has tonnes & tonnes of cash & gold hidden all across his ashrams.

You see, by questioning the girl’s character in an inappropriate manner and at an inopportune time, I’ve ensured more public anger against my client; even the judges across the country, I’m told, are furious with my line of arguments. This ensures that he may never get bail and may forever stay in jail. My job is to have as many hearings & court appearances as possible and make a few crores to organize a Modi- Advani Holi Milan. Plus you see, I am a fan of Modi and Asaram whose racket flourished & prospered under Modi’s rule in Gujarat. And that can happen only when you're in Modi's good books. So it is my duty to protect people whom Narendrabhai likes.    

Me: Now that you’ve spoken about Modi, I wonder what makes you back him politically?

RJ: You see, I have always wanted to be the President of this country. And Narendrabhai has promised to make me the nation’s President once he becomes the Prime Minister?

Me: But how can he give such an assurance? After all there is voting involved!

RJ: I know. I said the same to Narendrabhai. You know what he said?

Me: Tell me.

RJ:  He said – “Ram bhai, voting will happen if there are other contenders. Isn’t it? What if there are no other contestants. Afterall, people know what Vanzara et al can do if they take panga with me. As you know I hate competition from the core of my heart. By the way, I’m going to make Amit Shah the returning officer for these elections.”

Suddenly, one heard a lot of noise outside & around his residence and more than a dozen women of all hues & shades barged into his compound claiming that they were mentally unstable and were suffering from the ‘Man Disease’ and wanted to be alone with him in a room. By the way, some of them were carrying brooms, chappals and even lathis while others were seen holding cans with black paint oozing out .

And the interview came to an abrupt end.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.