Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Supreme Court's comments on Daughters-in-law as Housemaids rocks the institution of marriage

Psychiatrists & marriage-counselors across the country never had it so good. Huge serpentine queues in front of shrinks' offices are being reported from all the metros, cities and mofussil towns with men & women lining up in  equal numbers.

It is now confirmed that all these people report sudden  loss of  purpose of  life given the Supreme Court of India's ruling in a case asking people to treat their daughter-in-law as a family member and not as a housemaid.

Demonstrations are being reported from various places with men shouting slogans against the Supreme Court asking the court to tell them what to do with their wives & daughters-in-law now. Women too are pissed off with the court's order as they claim to have lost the purpose of living after their scared husbands and in-laws have stopped allocating them work.

“Tell me, how will I spend the day if all the work I was doing has now gone to my newly hired domestic help Kalawati”, thundered a housewife from a middle class locality.

In another part of the city, another woman rued the court's remarks saying that this order has actually left women like her at a major disadvantage. “If I do not work as a maid, why on  earth would my husband & in-laws include my name in their wills; what am I supposed to do now to win their hearts, property & wealth & get it written all in my name. What an identity loss!!”, she yells angrily.

“With no domestic chores to do, I am finding it difficult to fend off my husband's boring bedroom advances. Previously at least I could give the excuse of being tired after a day's hard work and refuse sex. Now what”, rues another housewife from an elite neighbourhood.  

On the other side, men too look devastated after this court order. Earlier, they would simply come home from work; ask for tea, snacks, drinks, dinner etc., plonk themselves in front of TV and doze off on the couch. There was no need to interact with their wives who were always busy doing their domestic maid-ish chores. Now, with their wives let free by the court order, they just don't know what to do with them.

“Earlier, the only talk I had with my parents' bahu is Hey, get me this & get me that. Now she's always sitting with me during breakfast, tea & dinner prodding me to talk something. Tell me, what do I talk with her? I shiver at the thought of coming back home and at the thought of having to talk with her. The only thing I can talk about is money, cars, IPL betting & bragging about paid sex during outstation tours with my male friends during drinking sessions. It is a rubbish judgment which has ruined my life”, he fumes.

Waving a banner criticizing the court's remarks, a top rung manager in a MNC regretted the development. “Having nothing else to do the whole day, my wife is full of vigour when I get back home in the evening. And she wants me to make each night romantic; she won't go to sleep till we've run the full course. And I just cannot do it. After getting screwed at my workplace for the whole day, I just don't have the energy for all this. I'm afraid, she is sooner or later going to get hooked with someone else and that'll be the end of our marriage”, he said in hushed tones.

A distraught elderly couple in Mangalore participating in a dharna organized by Bhartiya Sanskriti Sanrakshan Sene had this to say – “Our forefathers were very wise men. A lot of thought has gone into the concept of bahu or daughter-in-law. And you can realise their wisdom even today. Imagine the economic impact of having a maid to do all the domestic work and keeping another one just for  sex & procreation of one's family tree or vansh! Maintaining this dual system would play havoc with the finances of many a household. And that must be the reason why both these roles were clubbed together, what you guys call multi-tasking these days” he explained proudly amid slogan shouting by the trishul & lathi wielding sene members.

Another old man standing & listening to this conversation jumps in to add -”In fact, the origins of the word `bahu’ can be traced to the Hindi word `Bahut’ meaning ‘Many’. Bahu therefore stands for a multi-faceted multi-role performer”, he said with a smirk.

Commenting on the issue Delhi's Chief Minister Sheila Dixit and MNS leader Raj Thackeray, both echoed similar sentiments and criticized the court in what they labeled an attmpt to pollute Indian culture. They cited railways figures about the increase in women passengers from East Bengal, Bihar, Jharkhand, Orissa & Chhatisgarh pouring into Delhi & Mumbai to fill up the vaccum created in the housemaid sector. This, they said is a ploy to change the demographics of their cities.

Rates for Jhadoo-Ponchha (Cleaning-Mopping), Dusting, Cooking, Utensil Cleaning and Baby-Sitting have skyrocketed ever since the Supreme Court's observations were reported in the media. Union Finance Minister P. Chidambaram welcomed this development and is actively considering bringing the `housemaid' sector under Service Tax ambit. 

Progressive women's organizations have also hailed the court's order and are planning countrywide agitation for creation employment opportunities for all the ex-housemaids set free by the court. All India Mall Owners Federation too has welcomed the court's order and is expecting an increase in footfalls in their otherwise empty malls.

“Married women or bahus now have all the time to shop and we are planning to add more malls basis the increased footfalls. We have also commissioned an ad-campaign linking women's liberation with shopping. After all, a woman's liberation & modernity quotient is measured by how much she can shop & how frequently, isn't it”, asked the federation's president.    

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Indian Judicial System CHESTized

Human chest is a very handy thing…and please don’t get me wrong for I am only referring to some well known but least understood uses of human chest. Biology teaches us that we all have a chest…that it is held in shape by a rib cage which also houses our heart…so on and so forth.


Not if one goes by the way our justice delivery system works! For the Indian judicial system, Chest is the sole prerogative of the rich and the well connected. Ordinary people just don’t have it. Which is why almost all the financially well off scamsters and networkers seldom get to stay in jail even after being arrested for the most heinous crimes, including looting public money. They invariably complain of chest pain and land up in comfy confines of a hospital – usually an expensive five star types. The chest pain continues till their lawyers and well wishers pull strings to get them bail.

And this brings us to another chest – the currency chest. Yes, the same one which several court judges are alleged to have been caught stacking with crisp papers embossed with Gandhiji’s face.

And it is these two chests that form the foundation of our justice delivery system, leave aside a few pathbreaking ‘Chest Free’ pronouncements from the haloed portals of the Supreme Court and a handful of High Courts.

Which brings me to the case of Binayak Sen, by now a well known `seditionist’ if a Chhatisgarh court has to be believed. Lot of people seem to have been heartbroken (the non-chest types, I guess) by the news of Dr. Sen being denied bail by Chhatisgarh High Court who continues to stay behind real bars.

Why – the answer lies in the chest doctrine.

Also, a perusal of quality of judgments emanating from our High Courts would indicate that High Courts situated in states ruled by party(s) of a particular flag hoisting `nationalist’ ideology have seldom passed orders that’ll displease the ruling dispensation. That could explain why victims of one of the most infamous communal riot cases had to approach the Supreme Court to shift their cases outside the state. And the Supreme Court, in several instances has aceepted such pleas and shifted hearings to courts in neighbouring states for a `fair’ trial.

To me, this is a clear admission of inability of judges to work independently, either due to their own limitations or threats to their personal safety by overzealously `patriotic’ hoodlums or both. Remember how Pakistan Supreme Court behaved while Musharaf was in power and the kind of laws & amendments it approved of. And how the same Supreme Court of Pakistan suddenly grew a spine after Musharraf’s ouster. I know, many patriotic Indians despise the idea of being compared to Pakistan. But one can’t help but compare as the quality of justice and courts’ objectivity in both the countries seems to be a function of the ideological and administrative environment in which they work.

So, in addition to magistrates and judges being financially, morally and ethically corrupt, fear and flattery (towards those at the helm of affairs) too seem to play a role. Chhatisgarh government’s antipathy towards the likes of Binayak Sen is well known to all, including the magistrates and the judges who heard his case. And thus, the chances of him getting any relief from their courts are bleak.

So while our justice delivery system scans defendants for their chests, is their any way we can install high-res MRI Spine Scanners right at the entrance of corridors leading to the judges’ chambers?

Youth - An Overhyped & Overrated bunch?

Indian youth had never had it so good. With over 50% share in the population, youth is being venerated  day in & day out…paens are being sung by all & sundry…the media is going ga..ga over them, films are being made targeting youth & what not. In some cases, youth are even getting prominence at the cost of other groups. The entry of 79 MPs below 40 years of age is being heralded as a watershed moment in India’s parliamentary history.

Anyone who doesn’t fit into the `youth’ category must be feeling completely out of place, as if (s)he has committed a sin by not being young!

But why are we celebrating youth? What’s so special about this group…what have they done?? Why do we speak so highly of them??? It’s time we understood this stuff.
`Youth’ in my view, is synonymous with a deep & never ending yearning for positive change, an element of rebellion against what exists,  the way it exists and a fountainhead of fresh ideas & boundless energy to translate them into action…above all, someone who romances idealism. Alas, the Indian youth doesn’t exhibit any of these qualities. Why only India, even globally, the role of young people in shaping public policies, influencing socio-cultural-political landscapes has been found wanting. When was the last time you heard about a youth movement that radically altered the level of public debate about the way the world is…and ways to change it?
Not very long ago, we had several young men & women taking part in India’s freedom struggle. Globally too, we have seen youth fighting against racism, apartheid, social inequalities, wars, gender bias, and numerous forms of discrimination and repression devised by those who rule societies and nations. The world we live in today is largely a product of these movements led by the youth.

So, is the youth of our times taking this glorious legacy forward?

No! Sadly, the youth today is nothing but an old, stagnant & defeated mind caged inside a relatively younger body…a body capable of more frequent copulation (perhaps the only distinguishing feature between the youth and the aged) but with a mind bereft of fresh ideas, new thinking and yes…idealism. He or she does not have a dream of his own…in fact, day after day, they live the dreams of the so called old people by chasing & craving for a house of their own, a healthy bank balance, retaining their jobs, possessing latest household gadgets, changing cars every three years, spouses every two years and cellphones every year. `Change’ for them means a change of job and wealth levels…`Rebellion’ for them means having utmost contempt for their elders at best and jumping traffic signals at worst…an `Upwardly Mobile’ society for them means personal movements up the money & influence charts excluding everyone and `Empowerment’ means nothing else but an enhanced ability to swing deals their way.

Try spending some time with young people at any coffee or fast food joints around college campuses in cities or cigarette shops/chai ka gallas in small towns or villages. Simply overhear their talks and all your ideas about `youth’ leading this country and making it the next superpower would get sorted out  for good.

Because the youth today thinks and acts exactly like their grandfathers would. If that wasn’t the case, things like dowry & wife beating would have vanished long back…with youth rejecting this horrid tradition and those perpetuating it. Casteism would have become a thing of the past as majority of our young population would have freely & fearlessly married people from other castes, religions and regions (just take a look at matrimonial columns). Girls wouldn’t have been killed in wombs as their  young fathers wouldn’t have thought of them as lowly creatures unworthy of their love and affection.  And  corrupt politicians & bureaucrats wouldn’t have enjoyed the powers they do today. They’d be living in mortal fear of being caught, exposed  & questioned by the youth. On the contrary, young men & women of today aspire to be like them and curse themselves & their lineage if they can’t make the grade.

Let us look at our `young’ parliamentarians whom the media is raving about. We are being told that their presence in increased numbers would lead to a paradigm shift in the way things work in this country. Really? Isn’t it akin to saying that having a Rabri Devi as Chief Minister or Indira Gandhi as Prime Minister improves the status of women in the country? Has it??

As reproductive by-products of a political father or mother or both, they are well grounded in the kind of politics their parent(s) indulge in, just the way a shopkeeper’s or farmer’s son picks up threads of knowledge from seeing his father at work. And they’ll do more of the same things. The only difference being that they’ll do all this speaking the language that the `youth’ understands. With youth comprising the largest chunk of our populace, their acceptance is likely to higher than that of their old, doddering, incoherent & out of fashion parents. And that’s the only `change’ we are likely to witness. Period.

Unfortunately, I can’t name any young politician here for the fear of being slapped with libel but just think of any name and audit this guy’s actions in & out of parliament…what did (s)he do as a minister…in whose company did (s)he spend time with, where and doing what. How many times did (s)he questioned the way things were in working in his party or government? I bet your conclusion won’t be very different from what I’ve expressed above.

All this brings us back to the original question- why then are we venerating the youth the way we do?

Well, being the single largest constituent of our society, they happen to be the largest consumer group- consumers who’d lap up the goods and services being produced/imported in the country. The producers of these goods, with the help of the media have managed to create some sort of `uniformity’ among youth as far as desires, aspirations & beliefs are concerned. So from Jaipur to Jajpur, Pondicherry to Paonta Sahib and Dibrugarh to Daman, you’ll comes across young people with similar notions of progress, growth, happiness and matching shades of political vision & understanding. By & large they idolize the same people lionized by the media – cricketers, bollywood guys & gals and industry kaptans. They crave for the same things, be it material possessions or positions of power- be it in the government or the corporate sector. Nuisance value (the ability & power to screw others’ peace & happiness) is worshiped by young people regardless of the place or class they belong to.

And this universalization of thoughts, deeds & dreams is crucial to sell mass manufactured `standardized’ products, thereby helping gigantic businesses make a killing in the markets. And this perhaps is the reason why youth movements elsewhere too have died down. Afterall,  it’s not for nothing that the world is called a globalized village!

And those of you outside the `young’ bracket, please take heart…the youth today doesn’t pose any challenge to you. In fact, it is very much like you, may be worse.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Scam Fallout - Mamata to tie Rakhi to Manmohan Singh; Ajit Pawar declares Sonia elder sister; NaMo suffers depression

Kolkata & Mumbai, May 06, 2013

West Bengal's Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee today announced that she intends tying Rakhi to  Prime Minister Manmohan Singh coming Rakshabandhan and making him her brother.

"Brathers are supposed to be sabhiours of their sisters, protecting them everytime they come in harms way. And Monmohan Shing has done ekjactly that by dibherting media and public attenshun from Saradha cheet-phund scam and phokashing the limelight on himself, his railway minishter Pabon Koomar Bonshol and Law minishter Ashbhani Koomar. I ken not tail you how reeleeebhd I am today. Thet constant cobherage of the scam was like hel baba...leebhing us no time to erect neeu electrishity poles in bhitween the court and the jail bhere Shoodipto Sen & other Saradha peepul are kept. You see, we hab to inshtall poles on both sides of the road becoj we don't know from which bhindow of the jail van  Shoodipto would be peeping before his head bangs the pole," she said speaking to whatever journalists are left in the city, mostly representing media houses owned by chit fund companies.

When this correspondent asked her about the progress in the enquiry about SFI activist Sudipto Gupta's death, Mamata lost her temper & shot back angrily - "You see, anyone named Shoodipto can nebher be a good pershun. That Shoodipto Gupta was from the Left which is an unforgivable crime in my eyes. And the Saradha guy too is Shoodipta. Do you still think that Shoodipto Gupta was an innoshent nice boy? You have to be a leftist sympathiser to think like that!!!"

Hundreds of kilometres away on the western side of the country, NCP leader Ajit Pawar held an impromptu press briefing while peeing in a dried up reservoir adjoining a dam. Pawar expressed immense gratitude to Sonia Gandhi for mothering & mentoring a government that gives birth to a new scam everyday.

"It is because of her sacrifices that today I am standing & talking to you in such a relaxed manner. Life was miserable for me and the Marathi people in general till a few days ago with constant bombardment of news about unprecedented drought in Maharashtra and the builder-politician nexus in the wake of building collapse in Thane. And of course the beating up of that silly constable by our MLAs. You won't believe it when I would say that the sight of newsmen & OB vans used to make me super-anxious which resulted in dysuria. With the presswallahs around, my kidneys used to stop  discharging wastewater properly & continuously. Drinking several pegs of Johnny Walker at one go also didn't help. All that is now history courtesy Coal-gate & Rail-gate. Only a loving & caring elder sister would sacrifice so much for her brother."  

When our stringer asked him whether he has any plans to visit 10, Janpath on Rakshabandhan, Mr. Pawar confirmed his plans to do so & get a Rakhi tied by none other than the UPA-II chairperson. He also announced that in return for tying the rakhi, he would give Sonia ji 25% share in all the NCP's revenue from illegal building business and irrigation scam.

Pawar also made a standing offer of providing enough water to Lutyens Delhi during the dry summer months. He promised to camp on the banks of Yamuna close to Okhla barrage and fill it up the same way he proposes to fill up Maharashtra's dams.

At the time of going to the press, our Gandhinagar correspondent reports that Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi has checked into a hospital for extreme mental depression. Sources close to his psychiatrist have told our correspondent that the root of his ailment lies in the widespread coverage & news studio discussions about lesser mortals like Ashwani Kumar & P.K. Bansal. After having featured in the media non-stop on a daily basis, Mr. Modi is not able to digest the fact that the media could ever consider anything else more important than him. He has been shifted to ICU whose four walls, floor & ceiling are made of video-walls playing Modi's looped visuals without a break.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

PM Summons Land Sharks to Counter Chinese Intrusion in Ladakh

New Delhi, May 01, 2013
While watching the presentation made by the Chief of Army Staff, Gen. Bikram Singh this afternoon, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is reported to have liked the idea of tit for tat and sending a strong signal to China and showing off some Indian muscle by intruding into Chinese lands elsewhere along the Line of Actual Control ordering Tibet.
He has however ruled out letting the Indian Army do this job. Being an economic wizard that he is, Manmohan Singh has actually asked the Builders, Developers, Colonizers and other Land Sharks to do this job for the Indian Army. The Army Chief has been asked to float a tender inviting these property developers to execute this task. 
The reasoning given by the Prime Minister to the high command is that no one in the world can match & beat the abilities of our Real Estate sharks in matters relating to grabbing lands, specially those belonging to the government. And since the border areas along LAC belong to the Chinese government, our builders would be able to do what no army can ever do, that too without shedding a drop of blood or sweat for that matter. The PM also said that this would be a good way to solve the land bank problem being faced by Indian builders saddled with farmer protests & court cases against land acquisition. He in fact, presented a plan for declaring the areas thus captured within Chinese territory as Special Economic Zones meant exclusively for duplicating Chinese goods and flooding the Chinese market with these sub-sub-standard goods. This would be in line with Mahatma Gandhi’s Ahimsa doctrine as not a single bullet would need to be fired in meeting these cherished objectives. 
When asked about the source of his new found confidence & optimism, MM Singh explained to Madam that like India, Chinese ruling establishment too is mired in deep rooted corruption. This means that our land grabbers would find it a cakewalk to bribe the Chinese patwaris & registry officials & get the land titles mutated in their names without any hassles. Yak herders along the LAC who may protest against such acquisition shall be threatened with dire consequences & silenced by the followers & admirers of Raja Bhaiyya of Kunda in Pratapgarh, U.P. who would be drafted specially for this task. 
He is likely to announce massive tax concessions to the real estate barons who’ll help capture Chinese lands along LAC by giving them a tax holiday forever. He is also thinking of providing each of these builders with Z plus category CRPF protection every time they venture into Chinese territory.   
Reliable sources have told this correspondent that Intense lobbying has already begun to bag this job. Property dealers from Haryana & Mumbai’s underworld dons are giving tough competition to organised real estate giants like DLF, Unitech, Hiranandanis, Emaar, MGF, Godrej, Reliance, Sobha, Ansals, Indiabulls, Parsvanath, Tatas etc.
Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.