Letter to RWA President

Context Setting:

The letter is addressed to a typical RWA (Resident Welfare Association) office bearer in India who thinks he owns the whole society and misuses its resources in a wanton manner, fulfilling his personal whims and fancies. This guy/gal is also a bully, coward, spineless and usually a bigot who openly discourages residents belonging to minority groups from using RWA greens for holding celebrations and functions while opening its purse strings for celebrating festivals & rituals prevalent in his own majority community. For those opposed to his wrong acts, there is a rule book thrown at them. For others, it is forever exception season.  
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Dear President Saheb,

Saadar Pranaam Sir ji!

Let me begin this auspicious day by thanking you and your fellow travelers in the governing body profusely for showing unparalleled sensitivity towards aged men, women and kids staying in our society. I’m told that one of your office bearers justified bullying of dog-owners and your aggressive attempts to send our society’s pet dogs to Pakistan because even a random barking of a dog can induce heart attack or stroke in some people. What a deep and noble thought sir! Maan gaye!!

I don’t have any statistic as to how many people suffered heart failure or stroke after listening to non-stop blaring of loudspeakers yesterday evening. I did get lot of calls complaining about loudspeakers yesterday but sternly told them- So what if Modi ji & his govt. wants to banish loudspeakers from religious places, the country needs someone strong enough to stand up to him. After all, there is no strong opposition leader in the country. Not even for namesake. But now we know you’re the one who can stand up to power and show the powerful their place. I dedicate 2019 to you sir ji. Imagine the pride with which I’ll go on showing off – Oye, don’t you know that I have direct cell number of our PM ji…he is my next door neighbor. Challan kaat ke dikha ab!! Please sir, retain this number after shifting to 7, Lok Kalyan Marg also.

So what if our lawn is so small that a person calling someone’s name from one end can be heard clearly by the one at the diagonally opposite end and so loudly that it may induce heart attack! After all, we have a duty to generate jobs and warm up a Thanda business scenario! Imagine the plight of bechara tamboowalla,  poor halwai (oops, caterer sounds more modern) and the wretched bhonpuwalla who are passing their time cursing the economic slowdown. And of the laborers who got one day’s, oops, 2 days (lagaana aur hatana) dihadi courtesy you. Not to forget the Tata 407 wala. Kitni duayen denge wo. No sir, your critics were wrong.

I can actually hear container-loads of blessings rushing and gushing towards your house. And upon finding the Lift Not Working sign, these blessings take the stairs to reach your place. And as they whiz past floor after floor they also blow away the banana peels, discarded sanitary pads, liquor bottles and chips packets carefully placed on the staircase. Yaani lage haath Swachh Bharat bhi ho gaya! Good that you organized the shamiyana and khana-peena closer to your block. That way, you get undiluted divine blessings. The other far off block walas will have to make do with diluted ones. It’s their bad luck that society’s president doesn’t live in their block. Bad karmas indeed!

Now you can organise the next such gala event, replete with halwais and bhonpus on Chatth pooja. We have sizeable number of people who’d bless you for this, once again. You can designate the swimming pool as the Vaitarni through an executive order so that devotees can do surya namaskar imagining it to be a river. We can think of placing a wave generator in the pool to give a real river like feel. Oye, have I given away a billion dollar start up idea phokat mein?  Anyway, let someone steal my idea of manufacturing wave generators. He’ll end up making in India hopefully 😊   

Now that my ideas tap is flowing, let me give another one.

Next time when you are allowing such grand event replete with loudspeakers et al, please inform all the residents in advance through a circular, specifying the date and time period. This will help all the anti-nationals (the ones who criticize the noise etc.) to plan an outing on that date and during that time. Which means, they’ll drive out of the society and go somewhere to pass time, mainly malls and movie halls. They’ll burn fuel in the process, which helps boost Ambani ji and Oil companies earnings. They’ll watch movies, eat out and maybe do shopping, all of which boosts the economy and cheers up the shopkeepers. Some with old, sick and infirm family members may check into OH-O Rooms to escape heart attack triggers or prevent their hearing aids from exploding, which will make their fly swatting owners go A-HA!  You see, here too you are helping the economy grow by creating demand. Mr. Jaitley will surely recommend your name for a Padma award!  

Sir, once you have had your fill of blessings, I too would like to get some. Please let me know the requirements for organizing similar events with me and few others who I’m counting on to contribute money towards this cause. God promise, I’ll lay out a lavish dinner on the lawns with naans and raans flowing straight out of the tandoor placed close by. Do I need to pay some sort of fee to use the society’s lawns for this privately organized event?  Or will simply inviting the 10 governing body members and their families do? And I do promise to do my CSR bit by sharing the leftover food with all and sundry.

And before I forget, please let me know if some group supported by the RWA is planning to burn the effigies of Ravana et al in the RWA’s one and the only lawn today.

Eagerly looking forward to your reply sir.

Dying to be in your good books, always,

Your bhakt, truly...