Begum Kalsoom Nawaz clarifies Pak PM's Dehati Aurat remark

Having accidentally tuned into Indian TV news channels, Begum Kalsoom was shocked to see heated discussions and debates on her hubby Nawaz calling Manmohan a Dehati Aurat (country woman), including Modi's speech in Delhi yesterday referring to this `insulting' expression reportedly used by her not so sharif husband.

Fearing an armed attack on Pakistan by patriotically pissed-off Indian journos and Modi's supporters, Begum Nawaz hurriedly called a press conference right across the Line of Actual Control to clear the air. She just couldn't digest the prospect of Arnab Goswami gheraoing Nawaz Mian in his American hotel lobby and giving one-track high decibel sermons in the name of an interview.The loudspeaker horns were aimed towards Indian army posts in the hope that the Indian soldiers would get to hear her explanation and the military intelligence might record & share it with the media. To nip the escalating tension across the border, she walked into the press conference wearing a burqa with a male goat in tow.

Here is the full text of her statment -

“A lot is being made out of a so-called remark made by hamare sharif miyan about the Indian vazir-e-azam Manmohan. Sharif miyan has apparantely called Manmohan a Dehati Aurat and the entire Indian media is making a moutain of this mole hill ji.

Let me tell you, I am very upset with Sharif miyan for bestowing the Dehati Aurat title on a sardarji. I mean, is he turning gay....or was he already one? I say this indignantly because till now I was the one & only Dehati Aurat in his life. Yes, you heard it right! During our private moments which are not many, he calls me a Dehati Aurat. He specially makes me act like one and this goat is brought into the bedroom to add authenticty to the dehati setting. His eyes are tightly covered with a black cloth though. I had once questioned him about why does he call me a dehati aurat when he's in the `mood' and he gently explained me why.

He told me – Janoo, don't be offended when I call you a Dehati. You know, Dehati Aurats are always physically fit as they breathe clean air and eat fresh from the farm foods. And they work. Leave aside working in farms or cleaning up the house or being productive in the real sense of the term, city women can't even carry their own child during pregnancy. They go hunting for surrogate mothers who in turn are from villages, you see! Also, Unlike city women, Dehati Aurats do not spend half their life in beauty parlours, botox labs and in cosmetic surgery ICUs. What you see is what you get! No cheating, no dokha!!

Being forced to stay in Islamabad ever since he became Vazir-e-Azam, Nawaz Miyan has been missing the countryside. With Talibani mullahs on the prowl in each & every village, he dare not visit any of them for the fear of being bumped off by these ISI & Pakistani Army agents. Couped up in his prime ministerial bungalow, he has of late been showing signs of desperation of meeting village women. And he seems to have carried his infatuation for everything Dehati even to the U.S.!

You see, what is Pakistan if not a dehat? And extending that logic all Pakistanis are dehatis. Cities are not just about glitzy buildings, roads, fast moving cars & flyovers. They are as much about culture, people and their mindsets. And there I do not fnd any difference between rural & urban; educated & uneducated; sophisticated and crude guys & gals. And for that matter, how is India not a village. They too have their own versions of Taliban in Khap Panchayats & religious bigots. Rural or urban, educated or illiterate, most Indians anyway behave like Jahils, just like us on this side of the Line of Control.

Our Taliban shoots girls going to school. There they are raped while going to or coming from school or college!

We have our Mr. 10 percent leading a political party. They have so many of them demanding more than 10 percent! And like us, Indian people too pay whatever bribe is asked for, without a whimper.

We treat Cricket as our opium & so do Indians! Our cricketers take bribes for fixing matches, so do theirs!

Both, Pakistan & India crave for the patronage of Amrikka. So we have a common big brother.

And every time we are faced with domestic troubles, we divert attention to the Indian border. So do Indians!

I hope you all are now quite clear that we, the people of both the countries have so much in common. Being teth dehatis is one of them.

I appeal to all the Indians not to misunderstand my hubby's comments which were made with the best of intentions and as an expression of solidarity about our shared cultural baggage....oops, heritage!”

A Pakistani TV scribe stood up and interrupted her – How can you be so sure that the dehati aurat comment was aimed at Hindustani Vazir-e-Azam who is a man by the way.

Mrs. Sharif – Hai Allah...you mean to say that it could have been directed at the only female Hindustani kafir journalist...

Her face turned tomato red within moments and she jumped off the stage & rushed out uttering – “Taher kambakht Dehati...mainu isi wakt Amrika aati aur tujhe maja chakhati”.

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.