An Untold Story of Love Jihad

Upon learning that Muslim young men were getting some sort of special training to Patao (woo) Hindu girls in order to successfully establish marital relations with them, scores of young Hindu men across the country are reportedly switching over to the other side. Thousands of skullcap wearing young Hindu lads were seen searching for these `Love Jihad’ academies in many parts of the country, specially the state of Uttar Pradesh.

One group of `Muslim looking’ Hindu boys this reporter spoke to reluctantly spilled the beans behind their move to convert. They said that they have been trying very hard to hook girls from their communities in their neighbourhood; schools; colleges; workplaces; bars and even places of worship but the girls didn’t lay any grass before them (Ghaas tak nahin dali hamen).On the contrary, they got their fathers & brothers to beat them up and then threatened them with tying Rakhi.

One of them had even approached Bhoga guru Baba Kamdev for tips but he turned them away after giving a big (and boring) lecture on how to treat Naaris as Maa & Behens (Mothers & Sisters) in true Indian spirit. He then forced them to learn some yoga techniques to sap their bad physio-chemical energy so as to remove thoughts of love & sex from their minds (Shuddhikaran).

“How unfair! Had we known of these `Love Jihad’ schools, we would have known some really cool, tried & tested tricks to phansaao those girls.What’s the point of wasting your life fantasizing about them and letting your youth go down the drain, I mean it literally?”

When I asked them as to why don’t they learn those tricks from Bollywood, one of the guys quickly pointed out that most of the successful bollywood actors are part of this Love Jihad. “I’m dead sure these Bollywood Khans were coached in one of these Love Jihad paathshaalas”, he said.

Another one said that despite him & his brother trying everything under the sun, their girls refuse to give them any Bhaav. “We have tried topping in our class; played sports; indulged in body building; learned social dancing; even playing guitar and what not. Still no luck”.

“These girls are quite chaalu & materialistic. They don’t care for anything except moolah. They only go for guys whose parents have money, who drive in 10 Lakh Plus cars; have a bachelor’s pad of their own in one of city’s posh localities & pockets deep enough to buy them branded stuff.”

“I’m telling you, they’ll even marry a pig if that fellow had money”, chipped in another one.

Come to think of it, not all Muslim guys are that rich. We’re told that a lot of them perpetually hang around the poverty line. And yet they manage to hook our girls. Kuchh to sikhaate hi honge Jihad school mein varna unse zyada rich to hum hain hi!
Another guy who was listening quietly so far jumps into the conversation.

“You see, my elder bro had managed to pataao our neighbor’s pretty looking daughter. She had fallen for him completely and was willing for marriage even. But then our elders checked out their kundlis and declared that they were from the same gotra & hence brothers & sisters. Poor guy…he is still unmarried and passing his time over porn sites”.

“Oye, that reminds me of a classmate of mine. He managed to get into IIT, then IIM & then IAS. Girls whom he had earlier pursued unsuccessfully were now daaloing dore on him. And when he finally decided to marry one of his ex-hearthrobs, this bloody dowry thing came in-between! Her parents had heart attack after hearing the dowry amount. Bichaari ladki aaj tak kunwaari baithi hai”.

At the time of filing this story, reliable sources rang up this reporter & told him that the Parivaar is now rethinking its strategy of making Love Jihad a poll plank because it seems to have backfired.

Yeah, after meeting the guys mentioned above, I can safely say – It Has!!

Disclaimer: Readers may please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.