Highest Court allows Dawood & Li’l Shakeel immunity from prosecution & persecution

Karakoram Mountains, April 18, 2013

Situated atop a freezing peak 8850 meters high, the highest court of the land has granted known gangsters, druglords & terror financers Dawood & Li’l Shakeel immunity from prosecution. The court also issued notice to the union home ministry and the union justice ministry asking as to why all FIRs registered against them should not be quashed with immediate effect.

The court ruling came on two separate petitions filed by the lawyers of these two `most wanted’ men seeking exemption from prosecution on the grounds that rozi-roti, i.e. livelihood of thousands, if not millions, of people around the world would be at risk if these two were ever arrested, imprisoned & incarcerated in jails. They presented data to convince the 2-judge bench that billions of rupees worth transactions would be endangered by their arrest; that they have taken suparis for bumping off many people around the globe and also for arranging terror attacks in India. Their lawyers emphasized that good professionals and great men never go back on their word which by the way is also considered breach of contract…something their clients would never ever allow to be associated with their well-earned glorious reputations. They also expressed worry as to who would pay the hundreds of bomb planters, explosive carriers, sharpshooters & cops whose quality of living depends on the money they receive from their clients.

By the end of the day-long hearing, the bench was convinced that with the police continuing to pursue them, the entire global economy would be in grave danger & their arrest may lead to an economic meltdown & an unprecedented rise in crimes commited by the millions employed by the underworld who would suddenly be rendered unemployed with the arrest of their bosses. Looking pissed off with the explanations given by the public prosecutors, one of the even thundered as to how does the govt. propose to absorb all these poor & noveau-unemployeds? The court was convinced that arresting & prosecuting Dawood & Shakeel would also mean that CBI, State Police & even Interpol would be left without much work to do. The government(s) may not be able to justify employment of so many cops & detectives and thus may be compelled to trim down these departments. This would further add to consequential unemployment and may swell the ranks of criminals & fraudsters. The arrest of the two petitioners would also have a negative impact on innovation as winding up of their underworld empire would dry up funds available for scientific research & technical advancements in the fields of bomb detonations, fake identity creation, summggling techniques, wireless communications & local weapon development.

The court accepted the contentions of Dawood’s lawyer that even the airline & hospitality industries would suffer a serious jolt as the cops would have less chances to fly places in search of his client. Consequently, hotel room occupancy rates would drop drastically. The shipping industry too would be severely affected by the likely reduction in contraband traffic controlled & regulated by his client. He presented data using MS Powerpoint to show off his client’s contribution to global economy, directly & indirectly.

Shakeel’s lawyer contended that by opening up & expanding their underworld empires, his client & his associates were actually helping the cause of global peace by absorbing those with criminal mindset and giving their lives a purpose, better than what Mother Teresa did. “Imagine meeelard! what would have happened to the peace & prosperity of the world had my client not intervened on time, identified, trained & employed these men? The streets of India, Pakistan, Dubai & Bangkok would have been unsafest meelard!! Had my client not been paying hefty hafta to the cops, imagine the bribe rates that would have skyrocketed like hell…instead of getting away by paying just 100 bucks for jumping traffic signals, citizens would have had to pay 5-10 times the bribe for the same service levels! Where would Bollywood be meelard if my client was to be incarcerated; who’ll fund the films, including those of your dearest Sanju baba? In fact, instead of making life miserable for my client, the govt. should be nominating them for Nobel Peace prize meelard!!” he argued.

While accepting their pleas & passing a favourable order, the court also ordered Dawood & Shakeel to give a written undertaking that they would be financing at least 2 films eulogising the likes of Gandhiji, Ambedkar & Modi etc. specially targeting the youth. The counsels for both agreed to this condition then & there and deposited a surety of Rs. 300 crores each on the spot, in crisp cash!!

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a piece of imaginary satirical writing & should not be confused with real news or real facts. It is fake news and is not intended to personally offend any individual , institution, gang, gangster or a political entity or its followers.

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